Ghost In The Snow

Chapter 18: Habits

Trigger warning: self harm

A new start, yeah, it all sounds so professional. The truth is, that one era is over, and a new one has started. Well, that must be the definition of a new start, but the tension from the last era continued into this one. Nothing ends. It just continues in a new way.

I was doing my homework about the interwar period, alone in my dark room, when I suddenly felt a weird feeling. A must. A must to harm myself again. I swallowed and tried to push the thought away. I had no problems anymore. The relationship between me and Frank was alright now, I had my friends, who I could trust, but..

Wait. Yes, I had one problem. Frank. How he had reacted today at school. So full of rage, confusion, and other emotions. All because of me, because of the break up. I made him cry. Him crying made his mom beat him. I could might as well have beaten him up myself. I have hurt Frank. Mikey said it wasn't my fault, but... It was?

The feeling was nagging me, pushing me, forcing me to cut again.

I did it. It was too late now. I guess, I'm a cutter now. Fuck, why can't I just stop? It's like an addiction. And I'm weak. I just can't stop. But why? I'm too weak to stop, and I'm also too weak to tell someone. Cutting takes the pain away from you for a while, but it comes back. Stronger. But it kinda kills your mind for the night, so you can sleep and stay alive.

I could feel how this was turning into a vicious circle. A bad habit.

But I could finally sleep, and unlucky enough, I also woke up the next morning.

Why do I think like this?! Weren't everything supposed to be good now? My problems were gone, a new start had started, I had my friends, who would support me, and I would support them.

Especially Frank. I had to support and help him now. I hurt him, so now I have to make it up to him. It hurt my heart, when I thought of the blue bruise on his cheek. God, the situations he has been through! How his mom had beaten him up several times, and no one has commented on it. Nobody questioned why that boy went to school with bruises everywhere. And I can't help. Well, I, or no, Ray can talk to Frank, but I can't remove Frank's problem. His mom.

-

We sat under the tree again. And by we I mean Gerard, Mikey and me. Ray and Frank were talking together somewhere else. I felt a sparkle of happiness. Somehow I had helped Frank. Like, I had asked Ray to talk with Frank, so he could let his feelings out and talk about his problems.

The silence under the tree was very awkward. Nothing had happened, so there was nothing to talk about. Gerard sighed loudly, making Mikey and me stare at him. He glanced at us both, looking kinda confused. "Why are you looking at me?", he asked in a high voice. I shrugged my shoulders and sent him a wry smile. "Maybe you wanted to say something?" "Hm, not really", he said and lowered his eyes.

Mikey stared at his hands very intensely. It never looked like Mikey was doing anything important, but I was sure of Mikey was always thinking. He never talked a lot, but when he did, it was always something considered and true. Something that he had prepared and found the best words for. Mikey was fascinating in that way.

Gerard sighed and grunted from boredom. We all sat in the damn awkward silence, just glancing at each other and waiting for Frank and Ray to come back. "When is the next band meeting?", I asked and looked at Mikey, then at Gerard. "Uhm... I don't know. If Frank's ready, we can practise on... Hmm, on Friday?" Gerard looked at Mikey, who stared at Gerard with a confused look. "Music", Gerard said in an annoyed tone. Mikey nodded for some time and mumbled a "yeah, Friday."

"Can I, eh... Can I come over as well?", I questioned. They would probably say yes, but I didn't know if I did more harm than good. Gerard lit up from his bored expression, "Sure!". He smiled and looked quite happy. I glanced at Mikey, and he smiled as well.

"It won't be a problem?", I asked, still unsure about this. I didn't want to ruin anything, didn't want to remove Frank's joy with practising and being with the boys, I just wanted to listen to their music and chill with them after their practise. It had been awesome last time, though panic attacks and me being a bit paranoid...

"No, of course not! It was nice to have a second opinion on the music and stuff", Gerard said. You had to be blind, if you couldn't see, how excited he was. "Second opinion", I said and chuckled. "I did nothing but listen to your music, eat pizza and sleep!" Gerard shrugged his shoulders and smiled. "Still nice to have you in the house that evening...and night."

Mikey blinked a couple times and glanced at Gerard with a furrowed brow. Gerard didn't notice at first, but then he just looked at Mikey as if nothing had happened. Not that there did happen anything, but... I don't know, Mikey seemed a bit suspicious about Gerard's behaviour.

Suddenly Frank came running, I was just about to get nervous, but then I saw his grinning face. He looked so glad and hopeful again, and that made me happy. Okay, maybe not totally happy, but a tiny bit happier. But the important thing was that Frank was getting better.

Ray came trudging after Frank in a relaxed tempo. To be honest, Ray looked tired as fuck. I couldn't imagine almost being a therapist for Frank being easy. Frank had some serious problems, and Ray had to try to find Frank a solution. Give him some advice.

"Are you ready for practising music again on Friday?", Gerard asked in an almost concerned voice. Frank looked around, felt the silence we had going on here under the tree. He ignored the sad feeling. "Sure! Sounds good. I've missed playing with you guys", he said in a energic and thankful tone.

"No one is going to ask me?", Ray joked and sat down. He smiled a bit before sighing and gazing at the table. "Is something wrong?", Mikey asked with a fragile voice. Ray shook his head, and rested it on his hands. "Nah, I'm just tired", he mumbled.

In the same second the bell rang again. Time for more classes.