Ghost In The Snow

Chapter 21: Under the sky

Trigger warnings: depressing thoughts, suicide is mentioned.

Another day, just like the others. We sat under the tree with our heads on our palms, staring into the air with a dead look. Or, I did. I didn't notice if the boys did the same thing. I didn't really notice anything anymore. I sighed deeply and continued my staring. I glanced at Mikey as he moved slightly, looking anxious and uncomfortable. "Tess...", he whispered and now everyone was squinting their eyes at him. "What's up?", I mumbled into my hand, not caring at all.

Ugh, fuck my life! Wasn't it all going to be better? Why don't I care anymore? I want my existence to get better, but at the same time I don't even care if it's going to get better. I gritted my teeth at the thought.

"Sure you are okay?", he asked nervously and glanced at the other boys. When he had said his sentence, the others nodded their head. They had been thinking the same thing. I rolled my eyes and muttered "mhm". Mikey sighed hopelessly and lowered his eyes. Not the answer he wanted.

Later that day, Gerard ran up to me when I marched to class. "Hey, Tessie!", he called and smiled, so his cheeks turned slightly pink.

I frowned. He called me 'Tessie', like, what the hell? But I didn't really care anyway, as long as he won't continue to call me that. If he ever calls me Tessie again, I sure will punch his face. On the inside I smiled slightly, because his smile was so amazing though. Of all things, I cared about Gerard smiling. It was like the light and happiness in his eyes lit a fire in my stomach. I don't know why. Why would such thing happen? Wait.. Was I?... No, I can't be...

I squinted my eyes at myself, confused, and almost worried. I glared at the hallway's floor and felt my mind slip away. I woke up again, when Gerard touched my shoulder. "Um, Tess?" My head popped up, and I looked at him with wide eyes. I opened my mouth to say 'yeah?', but nothing happened. Gerard pressed his lips together before asking: "Do you want to eh.." He cleared his throat. "You know, hang out in the park later?" I thought, he was going to ask me something else, but this was cool too. "Ehm, sure", I mumbled and turned my head away from him. "When?", I asked quickly before he turned around on his heel to go to class. "Uhm, I don't know... At six?" I nodded and continued my day.

The clock was 6:04 pm, when I went outside, walking down to the park. I knew I was late, but ... I want to say I didn't care, that I was late, but I did. I wanted to see if Gerard was there already or not. Test him. Why did I test him though? It made no sense, but I don't make any sense anymore.

The wind was cold, not freezing, but cold enough to make me shiver for a moment. I shook my head and stepped out on the soft grass. I took a deep breath and smelled the fresh smell of nature. I looked around, but I didn't see anyone. So I sat down on the grass. Why? I don't know, I just felt like doing it. Was it weird? Maybe. I laid down on my back and closed my eyes.

My thoughts flew away, leaving my mind empty and clear. The cold wind rinsed my soul, and the pink, yellow, green, blue, and orange sky hovered above me, calming my nerves.

As I laid there, in the mid of an empty park at 6pm in the evening, Gerard yelled: "Tess?" with a very confused voice. Was I dead? Was I crazy? Rather be dead, but I'm just crazy. Shut up, me! Trying to be positive here, okay?

I sat up and saw Gerard coming closer. He looked worried at first, but when I moved, he smiled and his soul lit up. I would say eyes, face or just him, but seriously it was more like his whole soul shining like the sun. He laughed when asking: "Why are you lying on the ground?"

Well I don't fucking know. I actually don't know. I shrugged my shoulders and smiled slightly. To my surprise Gerard sat down next to me.

"Why are you sitting on the ground?", I asked with a sleepy voice. He shrugged his shoulders and smiled, imitating me. "Because you are", he answered. I nodded. That was actually a cute answer. I blushed slightly, but pushed the thoughts away. "Any specific reason why you wanted to hang out here?", I asked curiously. He pressed his lips together and started pulling grass out of the lawn. "Nah", he murmured. "Not really. I kinda just wanted to talk to you, y'know?" He looked up at me with questioning eyes. "Yeah", I sighed.

"So are you actually okay?", he suddenly asked with concern in his voice. No. "Yes", I lied. "I'm fine, I've just been a bit stressed lately. School and family, the usual stuff." He looked down at the tuft of grass in his hand. He nodded slowly. "You can always talk to me if something's wrong, okay? Remember that." He didn't make eye contact, but I knew, he was serious anyway.

"Of course", I said and sighed. Yes, I had problems I needed to talk about, and my saviour was sitting right in front of me, yet I didn't tell him a single thing.

Silence. Not even the wind dared to make any sound. Gerard did though. "Wanna go over to the swings?", he asked. When I said yes, a playful smile played on his lips. "Last one at the swings is a rotten rat!", he yelled, getting up and started sprinting towards the swings. I jumped up from my sitting position and started running as well. Or, I told my body to do so, but I hadn't noticed that my lower leg was sleeping. So after two steps, I tripped over my own legs and suddenly I was lying on the grass. Again.

"Argh fuck!", I muttered to myself as I rolled onto my back. I rubbed my eyes hopelessly and stared at the sky. I heard Gerard's steps approach me. "Still okay?", he laughed and soared over me. I shook my head and tried to sit up. Gerard helped me stand up, and when we were walking together towards the swings, I already missed his hand touching mine.

I sat down on the swing I had sat on not a long time ago, when I broke up with Frank. The memories started coming back, and it was like the sad feeling hadn't left the place. The heavy emotions jumped onto my shoulders and mentally pushed me down. I sighed and closed my eyes, tried to escape the picture of Frank crying in my head. Gerard looked worriedly at me. "Is something wrong?" I shook my head. "No... It was here I broke up with Frank, but it's okay..." "Oh", he muttered. "We can go somewhere else if..." I interrupted him: "No no no, it is okay. I have to get over him anyway, hah..." "I thought you were over him?", Gerard asked surprisedly. "I am, but you know, the place and all", I said and waved like I didn't care.

"The only thing I wanted to say, was that you always can talk to me, and that I always will care and help you. No matter what", he repeated. "I know. Thank you", I said without emotion. I felt bad for not showing how thankful I was.

"Eh", I paused, "you can also always talk to me. I'll try to help, but I probably won't be able to do anything, I'm not good at helping, I'm not good at anyth-" "Hey hey hey, calm down", Gerard smiled. "You're helping all of us, the band, just by existing." He giggled and smiled even more.

Aw, he cared about my existence. Too bad I didn't.

I sighed. "Yeah, you're also helping me already just by breathing", I mumbled and realized how true it was. I hoped he didn't hear it though. Unluckily I think he did. He blushed and smiled at the ground, moving his feet around in circles in the sand. "Well thanks", he said in a low voice, almost a whispering. He smiled so much, that I couldn't hear the few words very clearly.

The happy atmosphere suddenly turned dark. Very dark.

"Just so you know... I have been suicidal", Gerard said in a serious tone. My eyes instantly looked up at him, and my jaw dropped. "It's okay now, I'm on pills and stuff. But I have been depressed, if I'm not still, so yeah... I am very thankful for you being happy for my existence." He smiled slightly. "You are okay at the moment?", I asked and ignored his last sentence. He sighed and looked down. "It has been a bit worse lately, but I'm good. By the way, do you want to come home with me for dinner?"