Lonely Moonlight (Ryden)

The storm

Ryan's P.O.V

          I was a mess, but I would never admit that. It's been almost eight years since I made the biggest mistake of my life, almost eight years since I had left Panic! and him. I still listen to every song they put out, I bought ever album and went to ever concert I could afford. And sometimes, if I was having a particularly bad day, I would let myself believe that a few of the songs where about me. But I knew deep down that they weren't, I wasn't that naive. I had tried to make music again, but the only lyrics that came to me where about him, and when I tried to sing them all I could do was remember the times we had together. I followed him on twitter, I watched all his interviews, it made me feel like a stalker. But hey, you can't just get over someone like Brendon Urie. 

       The thing that hurt me most was when someone would bring me up, his face would go emotionless and he would try to change the subject as fast a possible without seeming rude. He had gotten married to a beautiful woman, her name was Sarah and they truly deserved each other. My life had became a sad routine of sting in my bed in my crappy apartment with my laptop, wasting my time on YouTube. It felt nice to see videos like 'Ryan Ross and why he's perfect', you know, to let me know that people still cared about me. But I still missed him. There was this bad habit that I had, googling him and going to news, because I wanted to make sure he was okay,I knew this was creepy, but I would make a comment I would definitely regret if I tried to call or even text him. There was usually something new about him, whether it be about his life with Sarah, or about his music, there was always something. My head hurt from staring at the screen all day and the sound of the rain was sending me to sleep. I closed my laptop and set it next to me on the unused side of my bed, I warped myself up in my blankets like a cocoon. I never really had a normal sleep scheduled, I just took naps whenever I felt like it. 

              I rolled over, the calm rain had turned to a bone-chilling thunderstorm. I could smell the electricity in the air, thunderstorms always made my hair frizzy. My stomace grumbled, I should probably eat. I rolled out of bed and groaned as I stretched on the floor. I stood up and headed to the kitchen. I yelped and jumped back when my bare feet touched the cold tile floor of my kitchen, mabey I should have put on my slippers. I checked my watch, 1:34 AM, good enough. I made myself some coffee and put two s'more pop-tarts in the toaster, I walked sleepily down the hall and grabed one of my hoodies of the floor. I got back to the kitchen just as the pop-tarts popped up, I pulled my hoodie over my head and grabbed a paper towel. I grabed one of the pop-tarts with my fingertip, because of the heat, I put the second one next to it on the paper towel. I shook my hands, trying to get rid of the extra heat. I took my coffee and pop-tarts and decided to eat on my small terrace. 

             I opened the sliding glass door and was instantly glad I had put on a hoodie, my terrace was only piratically covered and it was pouring fat drops of rain in sheets on the dark city. I had a metal chair and small table under the covering. I sat down, I watched the ink black sky be streaked with watercolor flashes of yellow light. The sounds of the city had always calmed me, but tonight, it seemed almost deathly quite. At least for a city, a few cars where still on the roads, but the majority of the city seemed to be tucked safely in their beds. The thunder broke this silence from time to time, it was a sound like a sledgehammer against a metal cooking tray. I ate my pop-tarts and drank my coffee as I enjoyed the sounds and flashes of light. I set my coffee mug on top of my paper towel so it wouldn't blow away, I stepped into the rain and leaned on the rails. I took a deep breath, inhaling the muddy smell of rain. My hoodie and hair quickly became soaked, but it was a nice change from my hot, stuffy bedroom. I let myself slip into my memories, shows where it had rained, music videos with rain, songs that mentioned rain. Tears mixed with rain until I wasn't sure if I was even crying anymore. I became suddenly aware of the fact that my teeth where catering, I turned and grabbed my things of the table. 

          I stepped inside and put my paper towel in the garbage and my mug in the sink. I pulled my hoodie off and dried my hair and face with it, I discarded it on the floor with many other articles of clothing. I re-assumed my previous browsing position in my bed and opened my laptop. I was missing him a bit to much at the moment, so I decided to check on him. I typed his name in the search bar and clicked news. An article had been posted about two hours ago by Kerrang! titled 'drama with the Urie marriage', I sighed, it was probly ether click bate or they where having a baby. I didn't bother reading it entirely, I skimmed the page. 'Brendon and Sarah Urie announce their divorce' was the phrase that caught my eye. 

           I made a involuntary sound of joy and imminently felt horrible for it. In reality this didn't benefit me at all, Brendon didn't love me anymore, if he ever even had. Sarah had been Brendon's everything from the first day they met, and if we was anything like he was the last time we talked, this would crush him. I was a selfish bastard for even thinking this might benefit me and Brendon would never love me. The ear piercing sound of my half-broken doorbell filled my apartment, echoing horribly. I sighed, what did the landlord want now.