Tease? (Mavi)

Dear Diary?

Standing in the most private space in my house, my bathroom, I stare into the mirror hopelessly searching for the right way to collect my thoughts.

"Dear diary?" I question quietly out loud, hoping no one will hear me, despite being home alone.

As if my reflection was a person, someone that could listen and give feedback stared back at me. I knew full well that I wasn't going to get a response, but as I viewed my own face looking back with hope that I could somehow sort out my mind, I began to speak. I wasn't really speaking though, I guess. It's sort of like the saying, if a tree falls in the woods and no one was around to hear it, did it make a sound? So I'm speaking, but to myself, so really, I'm just thinking out loud. I learn best when I hear things, that's what my teachers would always say. I've somehow justified that by having a one sided conversation with my reflection in the mirror, I'm not totally crazy and just talking to myself.

"Dear diary." I repeat with confidence. My reflection is now my diary, that's not the first "unique" thing I've decided.

"I have a bit of a dilemma. You see, I've been in a wildly successful, DREAM band for a long time now. I've also been single for a long time now. I'm starting to get to the point where I'm finding little crushes on pretty much every boy I interact with. I'm worried that I'm just going to throw standards out the window, or that I'm going to take everything sexually and break my own heart when they're not. What the fuck do I do?" I stare at my own pleading expression and pity myself, but I can't seem to see what I'm doing as crazy. This feels like it's one of those things a psychologist would tell you to do to confront your problems.

I start listing off men I've found particularly attractive recently and observe how much I react visibly to saying their names out loud. It wasn't until I got into the more pressing ones that I noticed anything that caught my attention.

"...our security guard, maybe Kevin a bit, talent is sexy, Scott and his boyish charm...Avi..." I squeaked out his name and instantly looked away from the mirror. I knew I was blushing. Profusely. And there was no one around to see it, but confessing it out loud to "a person" instantly turned me into a pile of embarrassed giggles.

I didn't know what it was about the man that made him so much more impactful than everyone else. Obviously I've always knew he was attractive, but I view him like a big brother, or a wise colleague that I work with or something. I've just known him too long to think of him that way. It's the same deal with Scott; you can't have a crush on someone you knew personally when they were ten. I've only known Avi for 5 years, but considering the amount of time we've spent pretty much living together, it seems like a lifetime. Does this new horny perspective change things for me? Could I have a crush on Avi? My reflection seems to think so.

"There's no way." I whisper, gently shaking my head. Almost involuntarily, I shrug at this. Of course my love-ridden brain interprets this as my reflection replying to me, almost as if it's saying "there's nothing you can do, just roll with it".

"Avi? He's too masculine for me. There's gotta be some flaw I don't like. I mean, what's there to like about a bearded man with a low enough voice to vibrate my chest from a distance, who has shimmering green eyes, rugged chest hair, and an extremely contagious and warm smile? How could I ever fall for that? It's not like his personality contrasts his physical aspects in a touching way that can convert all his husband-like features into loveable, childlike wonders that bring you both nostalgia and the same feeling you get when you see a cute puppy looking sad or angry. Nothing like that. He even has the same interests that I did as a kid that I never really let go, and he's the only one I'd feel comfortable reminiscing about them wi-" I couldn't keep talking. I definitely like him. It's safe to say that I've let this little crush get to me for real. I'm blushing a lot right now, but I can't help but look this time. I have that giddy feeling you get when you see your friend falling in love; happy in a way, because you're happy for them, but also happy because you know that you get to tease them about it, just the right amount. Except this time my friend is my reflection, my diary. I still feel the initial butterflies, and I most certainly can't let anyone know. Besides, he's straight! He can't love me back, but I know that, and still have that glimmer of hope that he does have a little gay in him, even if it's just enough to kiss me. I really hope that he'll eventually kiss me.

For now though, he's just going to go on not knowing that his every move will pull me deeper under his spell. It's funny how you can know people for so long as themselves, but the instant you look at them sexually, your entire view of them changes. Suddenly all of their subtleties, even their flaws become something you admire. They can excite you with mere words and you take extra precaution when it comes to anything to do with them. All of their jokes are much more funny, and you can't even look at them without a smile. You melt if you even perceive their touch.

But I'm gay, and that means that I will meet countless straight guys that will charm me, and none of them will ever notice these things. I could be head over heels in love with Avi, quietly moaning at every word he said, and he wouldn't think anything more of it than one of my quirks.

I don't know if that's a blessing or a curse.