Done Waiting

Chapter 21

I'm so so sorry it's been so long! And I know this chapter isn't nearly as long as it should be, but I'm starting the next one as soon as this one is up, so don't worry! Anyway, I hope you enjoy it, and don't forget to vote and comment! Later, loves!

*Emma's POV*

"Swan, relax," Killian told me again as we stopped walking in front of the fertility clinic, turning to face me and taking both my hands. "We're just getting checked out, I'm sure everything is fine."

"But what if it's not?" I asked anxiously, his hold on my hands being the only thing stopping them from shaking. "We've been trying for months now, what if there's something wrong with me and we can't have kids?"

"Well then we'll just have to adopt then, won't we?" he said as if it was the simplest answer in the world, sliding one of his hands to the small of my back to bring me closer and using his thumb to pull my bottom lip from where I was worrying it between my teeth. "But why don't we worry about that when the time comes, yeah?"

"Okay," I answered quietly, the certainty in his eyes putting me more at ease than it had any right to. He half smiled triumphantly, clearly pleased with himself, and planted a sweet on my lips. "Let's just go before I lose my nerve."

He kept his arm around me as we walked into the building, brushing a kiss to my forehead in the elevator. We checked in and were taken to our separate rooms, my anxiety starting to seep in the moment he was out of sight. It was a highly invasive exam, the room too cold, the walls too white, and all I could think about the entire time was Henry. I liked to think he knew how much we loved him, how desperate I'd been to make my body be everything he needed, how much my heart ached for him every day. But what if having a new baby this soon was disrespectful to him? Made him feel unloved, wherever he was now? God, I probably sound like a lunatic...

"How'd it go, love?" Killian asked when I came back out to the waiting room, quickly getting up from his chair to meet me. "Are you alright? You're whiter than a fresh sail."

"I'm fine," I managed, trying to swallow the emotion in my throat. "You ready to go? You probably have to get back to work."

"Why don't you come with me?" he offered gently, wiping a tear from my cheek before I even noticed them in my eyes.  "I'll have Luke grab us something for lunch and we can talk, whatever you need."

I simply nodded a bit and let him pull me into a hug, hiding my face in his chest as if I could hide from my own guilt. He always saw through me in a way no one else ever had, making any walls I tried to put up absolutely useless. He kept me close the entire way to his office, draping his jacket over the back of his chair before bringing me directly into his lap. I rested my head on his shoulder with a soft sigh, curling into his embrace and toying with his tie absent mindedly. When I didn't immediately open up to him he started working silently, his free arm around me and rubbing my side lightly. Sometimes he just knew me far too well.

"Killian?" I barely whispered about an hour later, not even looking up, but he instantly stopped what he was doing to focus on me. "Are we doing the right thing with this?"

"Right thing with what, love?" he asked softly, both his arms encircling me again and his eyes on my downcast face. "I'm afraid I'm not sure what you mean."

"Trying to have another baby," I explained with a sigh, finally looking up to his concerned gaze. "Are we forgetting about Henry too fast?"

"Oh, Emma," he breathed, tucking my hair behind my ear as understanding filled his eyes. "We're not forgetting him, we'll never forget him. That much I can promise you. I'll admit, it's a lot for me as well, and I don't want you doing anything you're not ready for. We can wait longer if that's what you want, we can wait as long as you like."

"It's not that I'm not ready," I shook my head a bit, worrying my lip between my teeth again. "I just..." I had to stop as I choked back a sob, finally breaking down. I still hadn't told him I'd been pushed down those stairs. "I wanted to give him everything, and I was so clumsy I couldn't even keep him safe."

"You did your best for him, Emma," he told me for probably the millionth time in the last few months, tugging me closer and leaning his forehead on mine. "It was my fault we weren't together and I couldn't take care of you, but it's over, and there's nothing more we can do for our son. All we can do now is try to do better next time."

"But what if we can't?" I asked again, my voice so thick even I could barely understand it. "I know I must sound like a child, asking the same things over and over, but I can't help it. I worry so much, it's eating me alive."

"Emma, you never need to worry about voicing your concerns to me," he said with a bit of confusion. "Communication is how we ended up apart in the first place. Just breathe and talk to me, alright?"

I snapped out of my thoughts of that day what felt like forever ago when the timer on my phone went off. I hadn't told Killian I was doing this, not wanting to get his hopes up after how difficult the doctor said this was going to be for us, so I was alone in the bathroom while he was at work. I tapped the screen to stop the beeping, taking a breath before grabbing that all too familiar test off the counter. I swear I'd taken a hundred of them in the last eight months. I ended up taking three more just to be sure, all but sprinting out of the apartment after I got ready.

"Miss Swan?" Luke got my attention in the lobby of Killian's building, looking both confused and worried at my breathless state. "Is everything okay?"

"Luke," I said simply, putting my hand on his arm. "If you call me 'Miss Swan' one more time, I'm going to punch you. I just need to find Killian."

"He's in a meeting until lunch," he informed me, a bit taken aback by my sudden change in attitude. I'd barely spoken to anyone but Killian since I'd lost Henry. "But I can escort you up to his office to wait if you like."

"Fabulous," I grinned, so excited for this I could hardly breathe. "Lead the way then, Mr. Danes, I'm right behind you."