One Direction // One Shots

Nouis :: Christmas Lights

Merry Christmas! I probably should've written a happy one shot since it's, like, Christmas, but I didn't and I'm really really sorry.

"It doesn't really feel like Christmas at all..."

Louis took a deep breath in and let it out slowly, closing his eyes so he didn't have to see the smoke blowing out of his mouth, his breath mixing with the cold. He was shivering, his teeth chattering inside his mouth, but he didn't let himself move. He just stood, his eyes closed tight, his gloved hands in his pockets.

"Our first Christmas." Louis whispered, though he wasn't sure at all why he said the words out loud. He hadn't spoken in weeks, though, so that may have something to do with the fact that his throat was always itching for words to come out. Louis supposed he hadn't been able to hold that temptation back.

Louis smiled a little bit, but it wasn't a happy smile. Oh, no. Nothing about him was happy, nothing about him was ever going to be happy again. Louis hung his head, his eyes cast downwards at the water below him. He was standing up a bridge, a bridge he lived near- a popular, popular bridge. A bridge that lead to the other side of town. A bridge that destroyed his life, his world, his life. Louis hated this bridge.

Louis closed his eyes again, lifting his head back up. When he opened his eyes, he was looking at the night sky, and he realized it had begun snowing. Snowflakes landed on his face and a few in his eyes, but he just blinked them away and continued staring up, up at the sky, up at God, who must have been looking down on him, even if just a moment.

"You took him away." Louis hoped God was listening. He was angry. Not angry at God so much as he was that drunken idiot who happened to be driving that fateful Monday morning. "You could have saved him. You could have... you could have let him go."

Tears came to Louis' eyes, but he didn't let them fall out. He didn't want them to fall over his cheeks only to freeze on his face. What a mess he would be then, ice on his face from tears he shed, stupid and outside on the bridge his lover died on.

"I'm sorry." Louis whispered, still not turning his head to look at the water or straight ahead. He was getting a headache from having his neck bent this way, but he didn't care. "It's not your fault, I know. I-I'm sorry. I just- I just miss him a lot, you know?"

Another snowflake landed in Louis' eye, and it hurt a little bit, so he snapped his head up and groaned, pulling a hand out of his pocket to rub his aching eye. Tears slipped out of that eye, but they weren't crying tears, just tears that happened when you hurt your eyes. Normal tears. Rare tears.

Louis chuckled as he rubbed his eye. He wasn't sure why he was laughing, but he couldn't stop all of a sudden. He laughed and laughed and laughed. His eye hurt, his stomach hurt, his cheeks hurt, his heart hurt, but he just kept laughing.

"Oh, God." Louis whispered to himself, sniffling back tears and laughter. He straightened himself up, composed himself, and gulped again. He wondered for a moment if he was insane, laughing when he hurt his eye, laughing in the middle of a conversation with God, laughing when his heart hurt more than it ever had before.

But Louis wasn't insane. I'm not insane. And he knew that. He was hurt, and he was laughing himself into oblivion. Oblivion, oblivion, oblivion. He wished it would have worked. He wished he didn't have Niall or God or his eye on his mind. He wished h that pain would go away.

Louis caught a glimpse of his watch as he pulled his hand away from his eye. 12:58. It was almost one o'clock in the morning on Christmas morning, and he was standing here on the spot of his lover's death. "Our first Christmas."

Gone. Gone like the wind, gone like him. Louis wanted to collapse in on himself. His first Christmas with Niall started an hour ago. He and Niall would be in bed, Niall pressed into him, Niall breathing steadily against his neck. They would wake up a few hours from now and Louis would make them both coffee and maybe a bit of breakfast, since Harry had taught him to cook omelets and toast without burning it. He would give Niall his present, and Niall may have given him one, too. He would make them both hot chocolate, hoping he didn't fuck it up, and Niall would still drink it if he did. They would cuddle in front of the fireplace and either turn on the telly or both read something. They would have Harry and Liam and Zayn over for Christmas dinner, since the snow storms called for no planes. Louis and Niall would have the best first Christmas ever, and they'd go on to have the best first New Years' ever, too, with a kiss to start of 2014.

But that wasn't going to happen, because Niall wasn't around. Niall was gone. Gone like the wind, gone like their very first Christmas together. Gone like the pain in Louis' eye, gone like the laughter that had died in Louis' throat. Gone.

Louis took a deep breath. He supposed now was a good time to go home. Go home, go to sleep, forget. Forget about this night, forget about every other night, and pretend he had Niall in his arms instead of a giant teddy bear that Niall had left behind.

Louis turned to walk, but there was ice under his feet, and he slipped. He latched onto the railing of the bridge, steadying himself, and thank god it was there, because Louis was about three seconds from tumbling straight off the bridge and into the icy water below him that surely would have paralyzed him.

Louis look down for a few moments, his eyes wide. He was shocked, his heart beating. Then he was laughing, his body shaking from the force of it. He stood carefully and wiped tears away from his face, looking up at the sky again.

"You spared my life, but not his." Louis said, and he laughed a little more. He tilted his head down, stared at the ground beneath his feet, his eyes filling with tears. Once again, the laughter died in his throat, and sobs took their place. Violent, violent sobs that had Louis' body shaking more than he could control. He was on his knees, then, his knees to wobbly to hold him up anymore. His knees cracked against the ice, but they didn't break. He was fine, and Niall wasn't fine, and Louis wasn't okay with that.

Louis sat there for what felt like days before he stood back up on his wobbly legs. He stumbled in his first few steps down the bridge then paused a moment, letting his legs stop shaking as bad. He took another step, careful, and found his legs ready to support him. So he walked. He walked and walked and stared up at the Christmas lights wrapped around street lamps as he did.

All those Christmas lights staring down at him made Louis feel a bit better, like he wasn't alone. There were still lights around him, and while he still didn't feel at all okay, he felt better. A tweak of his heart with those Christmas lights, and he gathered up enough strength to get himself back home.

Home was empty and cold and Louis really wanted to tear all of his Christmas decorations down because Niall wasn't there for him to share them with. But he didn't. He gave them a smile and walked into the kitchen. He made himself an omelet, some burnt toast, and a cup of hot chocolate. He carried them out to the living room and sat down in front of the fire. He read as he ate, leaning into the giant teddy bear as he did, and let himself go; let his mind go free with thoughts about anything other than Niall.