San Carlos

Kabanata 20

Hindi ko alam.

I hate to admit it myself, ngunit maging ako man ay hindi magawang maintindihan kung ano nga ba talaga ang nararamdaman ko. I would always wake up with a shallow feeling in my chest. With a memory or a dream, that I can never recall. I always felt a kind of a lack, a wistfulness, a sense of having missed something. And the sensation that I lost something lingers for some quite time now.

Sometimes, I would see fragments. The Sayawan sa Paraiso, billion of stars parading before my eyes, wide rose garden, a night in the sea with glowing jellyfishes, and a lone sky lantern flying into the vast darkness. And in those fragments, I was all alone, but I can feel another presence with me.

In other times, it was not that sweet and endearing. I would see terrifying fragments that would make me broke into tears. A bloody corpse, a heavy metal chain, a huge fire, and a gun pointing at me.

Sometimes, I am even searching for someone, whom I can't pinpoint who. Hindi ko alam. Tuwing susubukan ko naman na alalahanin ito ay nabablanko lamang ang utak ko. It was as if my mind refuses to remember, that my mind itself is blocking either the dreams or memories I once had.

I think this feeling possessed me after the incident that happened to me five years ago. The night when I was found unconscious by the seashore. If I committed a suicide or someone tried to kill me that night, I don't know. We don't know. No one knows what really happened that night. Unless I remember, which I think, is impossible to happen.

"Ma, can I smoke?" nilingon ko si mama na ngayon ay nakatayo sa pintuan ng bahay. Suot nito ang makapal na sweater at yakap ang sarili, habang may hawak na isang tasa na marahil ay kape.

She scowled at me, "Baka nalilimutan mo na doctor ka pa rin, Eloise. Sino na lang ang maniniwala sa iyo kung ikaw mismo ay hindi magawang alagaan ang sariling kalusugan?"

Marahan kong sinipa ang buhangin at tiningala ang kalangitan. Maliwanag ang gabi dahil sa buwan at sa hatid na kinang ng mga nagsasayawang bituin. Stars illuminate the sky like soft snowflakes in a winter night, yet still appear, like an old photograph. For reasons I don't know, I feel connected to the stars. Sa bawat kislap ng mga ito ay tila nangungusap sila sa akin.

"Hindi ako doctor, ma," I said after the long silence.

After finishing my degree in medicine, tulad ng aking dating plano, itinuloy ko ang pangarap ko. I pursued my passion. I attended Photography school in the past four years. I was beyond happy that my family supported my decision.

When I graduated, I started working as a freelance photographer. I was offered a lot of gigs. Until I have earned enough to build my own studio, of course, together with my mother who insisted to help. Hindi pa ito kalakihan, but with enough patience, perseverance and hardwork, I know that someday it will be big. I always pray for that to happen.

Photography is my passion, but through the years, it has also been my remedy and distraction from everything that happened to me. When this strange feeling consumes me, I'd hold my camera. The need to take photographs was captivating, but it was also an escape I use to drown unwanted emotions trying to succumb me. Sa tuwing hawak ko ang camera ko, nakakalimutan ko ang lahat. All I know is that, I am Eloise Sandoval, a girl with a simple dream.

To capture a memory.

So we can hold the happiest or even the saddest times of our lives in our hearts and look back at it, without the need of travelling back into the past.

I bite my tongue, trying to hold the tears that threatened to leave my eyes. And that's when I can't hold them back. Napahawak ako sa pisngi nang may tumulong luha rito. Mabilis ko itong pinalis upang hindi mapansin ni mama. I can't believe I'm here again. I'm stuck in this feeling again.