I watched him as he slept. He looked so peaceful-like an angel. My angel. I felt my eyes burn as I came to the realization for the millionth time that this human being came from me. I feel so guilty for being such a bad mother towards him.
Richard's words replayed in my head as I stroked his soft, chubby cheek, "Before anything, Onika, he is yours and you are his. This will forever be a learning experience for you both. You should feel no guilt for the way you feel because the way you feel isn't wrong. You are your own mother, and no mother will mother like you. That little boy will love you more than any other man will, that I can promise you. Part of your problem, I think, is that you're trying to force a bond when there is no need. The bond was made months ago."
His words of wisdom gave me a new outlook on motherhood. I've been so angry that God gave me this child without any guidance on how to care or provide for him. I've been so angry that I spread my legs knowing there was a chance this could be an outcome, and still did it. I've been so angry that my mom threw me to the wolves knowing how hard this would be. I've been so angry that I'm alone and Rihmeek gets to be free, even though he has no idea about him. I've been so angry.
Now while I'm standing here looking at what Rihmeek and I created, all the reasons for being angry seem to trivial. All I feel is love when I look at him. He was created out of love and as of now all he knows is to love. His innocence is nearly seeping from his pores.
"What I'd give to keep you like this forever" I whispered. Once I had, had enough of watching him sleep I picked him up and held him close to my body.
"I love you so much." I said while taking his sweet scent in, "I promise to never let you down again. No matter what."
His eyes fluttered open and he stared up at me. It was almost like he understood what I was saying. "What is it?" I said in my baby voice. "Talk to Momma" He didn't make a sound but narrowed his eye brows.
I looked at the clock and realized it was time for him to be fed so I walked into the kitchen and prepared him a bottle.
"It's almost ready." I said while bouncing him and shaking his bottle. "It's okay, baby."
He was crying his little heart out until the nipple of the bottle touched his lips.
"Just like your daddy." I said while shaking my head. I watched him eat while he fought his sleep for a good fifteen minutes then burped him. After he finished the rest of his bottle I laid down on the couch with him on my chest and watched TV.
"What is it?" I asked him when he started hollering. I checked his diaper and he was dry so I attempted to rock him but he didn't seem to want that either. I laid him on his back on the couch and stared at him.
"Try gas drops" I turned my head to see my aunt propped against the wall with a smile on her face. "Did he wake you? I'm sorry."
She shook her head then waved a hand, "Go get the gas drops, Nic." I did as told and she picked up Richard. I looked through the hospital bag and found the ones they gave me.
"Here." She held them while I put it in his mouth. "How did you know?" I asked.
She rocked him while he still cried but he was slowly starting to drift off again.
"It's just something you pick up on. You'll learn. Each baby has a different cry for different things. I know it sounds crazy but it's true. You can tell when they need fed, changed, are hurt, or just need attention."
I looked at her with Richard and felt a small amount of jealousy. She's so good with him, with any baby. She's a natural.
"I've had years of practice though," She side-eyed me and laughed, "Give it a couple months and you'll see what I'm talking about."
We talked a little while longer then she handed Richard back to me and went back to bed. Not long after I followed her back into my room.
I changed him then put him back into his crib before I crawled back into bed.
Just as I closed my eyes I heard him whimper and I knew what was next all too well. Instead of lying there I got up and picked him up, what happened next touched me in away I didn't think was possible. At only six weeks old he smiled up at me and giggled. I wanted to go get my aunt, it amazed me that much.
"You wanted mama, huh?" He didn't make another noise but I could see it in his eyes that I was right. I kissed both his cheeks them his little button nose before I crawled into bed with him. "You can sleep with momma."
I boxed him in with pillows then lightly traced my finger over his facial features until he fell back asleep. "I love you so much."
-
"I can't get over how smart he is." Rihmeek said for the fifth time today. "I'm not exaggerating because he's my kid neither."
I nodded my head in agreement. He is smart, very smart. Intelligent too. Takes a lot after his daddy, but I don't want to gas him up too much. "It was Eric's idea to put him in private school. At first I didn't like the idea, only because I felt public school was an experience every kid needs to experience to an extent. I'm glad I listened to him though. The one-on-one attention he gets helps him a lot. He's great in school, like me, but he's a social butterfly as well, a lot like you." I said before laughing at his smirk. "Like you weren't in trouble for talking every class." I rolled my eyes but didn't say anything because he was right. I was never as social as he was though. I could talk to people but it couldn't be just anyone, like him. I had to know the person, otherwise I was shy and backwards. "He reminds me a lot of you, you know?" I pointed out. "Things he says and does. That's why I didn't think you two would have a problem hitting it off. You two are just alike." He ran a hand over his head and laughed, "In that case I don't know what we're going to do with him." He said.
The conversation died down after awhile and we both sat still while staring at Rich.
I looked at the clock beside the TV and was shocked at how late it had gotten.
"You leave tomorrow?" I asked. Rihmeek sighed before nodding his head. It was written all over his face that he didn't want to leave, not necessarily meaning California.
"It's late." I pointed out. He nodded his head again and stretched. "Been putting it off."
He ran a hand over his face before looking at his phone. "Didn't get to tell little man goodbye. I don't want to leave and not explain to him where I'm going and what's going on."
I unknowingly bit my lip and didn't realize it until I noticed Rihmeek had taken notice.
"Stay with me." I blurted out.
He shook his head and laughed but I don't think he was meaning no. "You're gonna get us in trouble." He joked. I shrugged my shoulders.
"How? Eric won't be home until tomorrow, long after you're gone, I'm sure. Everything will be fine. You can wake up, tell Rich bye and go on your merry way." He stared at me but didn't say anything for awhile. "I guess that would work." He finally spoke up. I had to refrain from doing a happy dance.
"Let's get Rich up to his room then I'll show you the guest room." I said. I watched him walk over to Rich and pick him up before I motioned for him to follow me up the stairs.
"He really likes cars, huh?" He whispered once he seen that his room was decorated in cars.
"Cars and batman." I laughed.
He laid him down then I covered him up before kissing his forehead. "I love you so much" I said before following Rihmeek out of his room.
Two doors down was the room he would be staying in. "There's a bathroom across the hall, here's the remote for the TV." He took the remote out of my hand and nodded his head, "You know where the kitchen is if you need anything. I'll be at the end of the hallway if you need me." I said. He nodded his head then an awkward silence fell upon us.
"I guess I'll go." I didn't really know what to say. I laughed and turned around to walk out but he called my name before I made it out the door. "Thank you for today. I appreciate it."
I blushed before shaking my head, "There's no need to thank me. I should thank you. That little boy means the world to me, and today he was the happiest I've seen him in awhile."
Rihmeek smiled while nodding his head, "Night." I nodded my head, "Goodnight Rihmeek."
-
I laid awake staring at the clock. 3:45.
I haven't been able to close my eyes. I'm freezing but knowing Rihmeek is down the hall has my body on fire. Once I grew restless I decided to just so see him. What could it hurt?
I grabbed my pillow and made my way down the hallway. I knocked on the door before I heard a faint, "Come in." I opened the door and tried to see through the dark.
"What's wrong?" He asked, sitting up worried.
"I'm cold." I whined before rubbing my arm.
He motioned for me to come here so that's what I did. I crawled on the bed and laid beside him. He turned towards me so I followed suit then he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into his body. I buried my face in his chest and inhaled his intoxicating scent.
"Better?" He asked. "Much better."
We laid just like this for awhile and I thought he was asleep until I heard the door open and he held me tighter.
"Daddy?" I heard Rich ask. He let me go then we both sat up. ".......wyd, mom?" (IM FUNNY)
"What's wrong?" I asked. He shook his head then crawled into the bed with us. I laid in the middle and faced him. "Bad dream?" I questioned. I felt him nod his head against my chest before he yawned. "It was just a dream. Mommy and daddy are here, we won't let anything happen to you, okay?" He didn't say anything but I guess that was what he needed to hear to send him back to sleep. I snuggled my back against Rihmeek's front as his arm rested over my body and Rich. I started to doze off but before I did I heard, "I love you both so much."
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Love y'all!
Please ignore any errors 😘
