A Single Moment Of Sincerity [SOMEONE SOMEWHERE SEQUEL]

Baby move in closer, you couldn't hurt me if you tried

The next week drew on, I lay in the back room, locked in at all times. Relapsing back in to self harm and refusing meals. James only came in to see me once or twice a day, and the main person I spoke to was Oli. The thing that scared me most was how similar this is to the start of tour with Ben. In my lonely torturous cell I began to really understand how he had felt.

My phone beside me went off again, I knew without a shadows doubt it'd be Oli, because James had given up texting me now, he tried but whenever he asked how I was I'd say I felt like shit and he'd never know how to respond. Oli always knew though, I guess it was because he'd been through it... well depression anyway.

“Knock, knock.” Someone says at the door.

“It's Danny.”

“Danny who?”

“Just Danny, please open the door.” He sighed, “I come baring gifts.”

“Ugh, okay.”

I slide the lock back and open the door enough for him to enter, James stands next to him, a crew neck jumper on and his winning smile which causes crease lines by his eyes. “Is he my gift?” I ask sceptically. Recently I've been feeling down, for obvious reasons, and really taken him for granted, I knew he was trying his best but I just couldn't let him close.

“Indeed I am.” He laughed, even though underneath you could see he was struggling seeing me like that.

I step back, allowing the both to enter. “James, I'm.. I'm sorry.”

“You've hardly spoken to us, Melissa, we're so worried, especially me. Do you even know what day it is?”

“Tuesday? Why?”

“It's Friday, you haven't left the room for six days bar toilet stops. It's the last day of tour, and we're concerned about what happens next.”

“What does happen next?”

“I was going to move you in, since you have no where to go, but if you can't bare being around me.. I just don't know.”

“James, I really am sorry.” I said, my eyes down, I knew I was hurting him badly.

“If you really can't be at James' then there's always mine, but in my opinion his would be best, because you've got Sam and Cam there too this break.” I kept my eyes fixed on the floor as they continued talking, the majority of it going straight over my head. I was pushing them away, which was normal, but they were all I had. Their voices blurred the air as my mind attacked me once again.

I had woken up earlier that morning, shaking as I was rescued from another flash back. I kept seeing his face when I closed my eyes. Any time James touched me I imagined it was him. And I couldn't escape it even now. I was living a constant nightmare, reminding me how I failed myself. The burns didn't take the pain away any more, but I felt like I needed them to feel alive.

I jumped to my feet and pushed past them, James' hands gripped my shoulders stopping me. “Where are you going?” His soft voice asked. Even now he was being gentle, where Dom would have been angry.

“I need space.” I said, trying to shake his hands from me. In truth I needed air. I had cooped myself in here for so long and with them here too it felt crowded and unsafe. I needed fresh air. And most of all I needed a new scar.

“Let me come with you.” He asked, taking my hand in his.

“I... I don't need babying.” I sighed. I wanted to be with him, I really did. I was just scared of hurting him. I shrugged his hands off me, and marched into the bathroom. I knew he'd be hurt if he saw.

Sliding myself down the door, I brought down my items of self destruction I always concealed in the bathroom. On the floor in front of me I lined them up: A lighter; A candle; A small piece of metal. I wasn't even crying or upset, but my hands shook, I needed another dose of pain, and the chemicals in my brain it would release. Carefully, taking over the click, I sparked the lighter and the candles wick went up in flames. My breathing slowed as calm over took my body. The piece of metal felt so familiar in my hand as I dangled it over the flame, letting it heat up to an extreme temperature. A knock on the door interrupted me.

“Anyone in there?”

“Cam, I'm on the toilet, I'll be out in a minute.” I shouted hoping he'd go away. Holding my breath I lifted the heated metal from the flame and pushing it down against my pale arm. I squeaked in pain as I fought the urge to pull it away. I exhaled slowly focusing my mind on the warmth my arm felt and sighed, dropping the metal back to the flame and repeating several times to the same area on my arm. Finally relaxed, I slumped back on the floor, my arm red and raw, a large blister already forming.

Pulling my crew neck's sleeve low over my new blister, I washed my face, and put away all incriminating items. “Toilets free now!”I shout out, flushing the toilet to make it believable, and leave, shuddering, disturbingly calm.

“Melissa,” James grabs my wrist as he talks smoothly, unknowing of the pain he just sent surging through my body. “We're about to go out for lunch, do the sound checks and meet with some guys before the show.” His eyes studied mine. “Look, I know it's hard, but I'd really like you to go with us, you haven't been out in such a long time, and well, it'd do you good.”

His words caused shivers in my spine, but I agreed to go. Maybe to try make my mind off it, probably because I longed to see him happy. Something I so seldom saw recently, the whole band, in fact, had been stressed and upset. Again the reasons were clear but it killed to know it was my fault. I wanted to be on my own, to leave tour and make things easier for them, but, on the other hand, I couldn't bare to be on my own, I wished to be surrounded, protected and loved. My mind was an ongoing war with no chance of winning. I wanted to scream.

“Who are the guys?” I quickly asked, feeling my pulse race.

“Dunno, it's in Danny's hands, but if you're not cool you and I will go out together, just the two of us.” I nodded and pursed my lips, walking to the back room, with James on my heels.

“James,”I fake whine. “I'm going to get changed.”

“Melissa, it's not like I haven't seen it before,” He replies in the same manner. It still felt uncomfortable, I guess it'd be along time until I feel able to be intimate or exposed before him, even though I know his intentions are good.

“Come on, give me a hint who the guys are.. are they in a band?”

“Of course.”

“Tell me... I have so many band shirts!”

“Well I shall be calling you a fallen angel tonight.” I shrieked in glee, and pulled out my clothing. A pair of starry sunset leggings and my very first Black Veil Brides t-shirt, which I covered with another Asking Alexandria crew neck I owned, removing my arm from the sight of prying eyes.

I surrounded myself with the quilt I had used night after night and changed quickly, removing my feather castle only after I was fully clothed again. “Jesus Melissa, I've hardly seen you in a week, you could have at least given me that.” He joked but my depressed look caused his sentence to trail off in the air. “Look, I'm so sorry... anyway... lunch?” he questioned, pushing me lightly on the shoulder. My mind had drifted off into a depleted, crushing place, thinking about James and how he'd been feeling, so I welcomed his distraction as the thoughts let go of their hold on me.

“Uh, yeah, sure?” I sigh, shaking the tiredness from my head. “James, You know... You know I love you right?” I say, watching my feet. It was the first time I'd said that since that day... since the day I kissed a lot of guys... since I was raped.

“I know you do, just its hard for you at the moment. I love you too.” He said, hugging me, and although I didn't like being this close, and fear was coursing my body, part of me felt relieved to be in his arms as well. I was hoping to put it all behind me in time.