REBEL HEART (GxG)

53

GAB

"The thing about pain, it demands to be felt"

A quote from a book I've read few years ago. At that time I couldn't tell you that it made sense but now, I feel it's rightfully written for me. I stepped on the gas as I drove away from my house. I needed to get away. I needed to relinquish this anger eating me whole. I didn't dare look at her at the rear view mirror because I know that at the sight of her, I'll probably turn myself in and crash into her arms. Leaving her now might be a stupid idea. For one, I know she needs me because she's hurt, confused and she might feel alone. The truth is I need her too, and like her I felt it all too. Good to say, we both need each other. But then again, staying isn't even an option. You see, my poor heart is just overflowing with emotions for her. 99 percent of which is love, and the other 1 percent is longing and affection which is also attributed to love itself. So with this heart filled with so much love and longing for her, it's so hard not to act on it. It's hard to be around her and not be able to hold her the way I want to. It's impossible to restrain myself from touching her because every time I am close to her, my hands has a mind of their own and touching her meant satiating this need inside me. It's a sin to resist her scent filling my nostrils because her sweet scent is like a drug that keeps me high and addicted, oddly keeping my sanity. It's stupid not to look into her eyes and get lost on those blue hues because it held calmness and promise. So with all these things in mind, I left.

I drove fast, too fast as if the haunting truth is chasing me and only in running I can find an escape. I'm driving farther and farther not really knowing where to go until I felt the heaviness of my eye lids; the blurrying of my vision because of the unending wave of tears pooling my eyes. I felt the exhaustion took over my body but I was going too fast, I couldn't stop now. All this running would be useless and if I stop, I'm afraid the truth might come and get me. It can't happen. I won't be ready for it, not now, maybe not ever. My car came to a sudden halt when I saw a deer pop out of nowhere. I hit the brakes hard with all my might and my heart was pounding heavily in my chest. The car was spinning around and the tires were screeching, with smoke filling the chilly air. I swerved to a safe corner with my hands tightly gripping the steering wheel, probably too shaky to let go. I let out a heavy sigh with my pulse still racing inside. The deer was safe, she went away in one piece, but I was left with much more damage.

*PHONE RINGING*

I felt the adrenaline surged through my body that I didn't had the time to look who the caller was. I picked the phone and I instantly felt the shooting pain, pricking my already damage heart as soon as his voice echoed in my ear.

"Gabby"

It was Uncle Sully.

"Gabby, where are you? I'm so worried about you. Come home child and let's talk"

I hung up, not even bothering to say any word to him. His voice seemed so innocent like a father cooing his child, asking her to come home. My heart ached at the realization of how we would have been. Maybe like Lexi, I'd grow up with him by my side. I'd be spared from the kids bullying me for not having a father. I'd learn how to ride a bike with his strong arms guiding me as I struggle to balance. At night he'd probably read bed time stories to me before tucking me to bed. He'd call me her princess and he'd be my knight, though I would want to be the knight myself. I let out a long sigh as I let myself marvel of all the things we could have been.

"What could have been"

I said softly.

What could have been? If Uncle Sullivan or my dad, if he is what he claims to be, took me in then I might probably had a wonderful childhood. Lexi and I might probably grow up together. I'd have an older sister that's caring, over protective and of course loving. She'll protect me if someone tries to bully me at school. She'll be the one to tuck me to bed, say our dear father is on a business trip. She'd teach me how to braid even though I wanted to cut my hair short. She'd play dolls with me even though I'd like playing guns better. She'll be a great sister, that's for sure. But then again, if she was my sister, I wouldn't have known what great love is. I wouldn't have known how to love someone and be loved in return the way Lexi made me feel.