The 99 Poem Challenge (Fox-Trot-9) ✓

93. Troubadouric Song -- Hikikomori Blues

The 99 Poem Challenge
Fox-Trot-9

93. Troubadouric Song — Hikikomori Blues

Not in Education, Employment, or Training.
—NEET

Hikikomori: When you suck at everything in life, just retreat to your bedroom and never come out.
—MotivatedPhotos.com (Welcome to the N.H.K.)

I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
—H. P. Lovecraft ("The Outsider")

1

Amid the nagging crush of everyone
Trying to change me with inept advice,
I'm left a helpless mess upon my feet,
Uneasy with the looks I often see
(Or think I see) on everybody's face
And fearful of what others think or say
Behind my back when I'm just passing by.

2

Compounding all of this, the constant run
Of shame and woe squeeze on me like a vise,
Choking my words and leaving incomplete
The words I need to say. I'm lost at sea,
Lost in the shadows of my fall from grace,
Trapped in the inner gloom of self-decay,
Hating myself and everyone thereby.

3

Some people think that this is just homespun
To freeload on my parents' sacrifice
To keep my lazy ass off of the street.
They don't know what it's like. Hikikomori
Is just a loaded term that can't embrace
The existential crisis of each day,
Of brooding on my failures where I lie.

4

The gentle boon of sleep has only won
Me just a slight reprieve, only a slice
Of peace before it passes in retreat
Back to the realm of dreams. Reality
Traps me inside this prison of disgrace,
Making me raise up walls to keep at bay
Problems that only seem to amplify.

5

This world of trouble has me overrun
With doubt. Each choice I make's a roll of dice,
A dirty game of chance where those who cheat
Have rigged the system in conspiracy,
Preventing me from gaining just a place
Amongst their ranks, condemning me to stay
Trapped inside the confines of this pigsty!

6

Sometimes, in fact, I think this world has done
Me grave injustice keeping me on ice,
Sentencing me to wander in defeat
As just a loser, just a wannabe
Or misanthrope who cannot interface
With others well enough to make headway
Into their world to even qualify!

7

And yet the worst is this: while they have fun
Living their lives with all the pomp and spice
Of almost careless certainty, I eat
The crumbs they leave behind in the debris
Of yet another chance to win the race.
Their skies are sunny, while my skies are gray,
Crowded with thoughts that make me want to cry.

8

For in the end, I know that I'm the one
To blame, the one who has to pay the price
For living out this ruinous conceit
I call my life. I'm just an absentee,
A nonexistent waste of breathing space,
Wasting away towards my own doomsday,
Just waiting out my days until I die.

(Envoi)

Listen to me. There is no guarantee
In life for you to think you can erase
Your failures and mistakes. Don't think that way.
I know it's hard, but take one step and try.

(To be continued...)

A/N: The troubadouric song is a Provençal verse form that is somewhat similar to the Sestina in that each rhyme is repeated from one stanza to the other. There are two big differences, though. The first is that rhymes are repeated at the end of each line instead of repeating words, like in the Sestina. The second is that the position of each rhyme in each stanza is the same, unlike the changing positions in the Sestina.

Meter: Isosyllabic
Rhyme: (Varies)

Stanza 1: abcdefg
Stanza 2: abcdefg...
Stanza x: (envoi) defg