The Unexpected Love

43. The Conditions

"The single greatest thing about love is the way it is doomed to pain and loss from its onset. Whether it is the spouse that outlives their lover, or loses them to another, there is no escaping that most solemn of inevitabilities. That two people can commit themselves to all this sadness and heartache in the name of such brief happiness, the warm touch of familiar skin, the unrivaled pleasantness in waking up beside the same person you spent the entire night with in your dreams, is all the proof I need that insanity exists, and it is beautiful."

That night I could barely manage an hour long sleep. I laid in bed, restless and deep in thought wondering about Diana and the possibility of our child. While I had been living my life the way it is for the past 10 months oblivious to the existence of my child, the flesh I created, Diana, on the other hand, went through everything alone. 

I sat on the floor, next to the bed, wondering if she had morning sickness like Melanie did, hoping someone was there to hold her hair or rub her back when she vomited whilst I played pretend with my beautiful niece. I prayed someone was always there with her to the monthly doctors' visit because I had the warmth of my mother to nurse me when I had the flu few months ago. I wondered whether someone repeatedly told her that she still looked beautiful even with that big bump because I was never there to hold her and tell her how beautiful she looks because of the baby bump. 

How I'm missed every little thing from those infamous pregnancy mood swings, to hearing the baby kick in her womb, and discussing whether to keep the sex of the baby as a surprise. I should have been there waiting outside the doctor's room or holding her hand when she was in labor. But I wasn't. Instead I pushed her away when I should've been fighting for her, for us. 

After few hours of uneasiness and self pity, I decided to don my tracks and head out for a long jog. It was still dark when I headed out the street to tire my body and clear the fog off my mind. 

An hour or so later, when exhaustion turned into over-exhaustion and keeping a step forward pained like hell, I decided that I had tortured myself enough. I had to race in Italy in two weeks and I couldn't afford a muscular injury, not now not ever. Racing was one thing I had screwed up. 

Yet. 

So, I slowed my pace and crawled sluggishly towards the Villa. 

By now, the dawn had creaked as people started occupying the streets and roads that were once deserted two hours ago. Some were jogging cycling or simply walking around while others were heading out for work. Some took out their dogs for a stroll, others while taking out the garbage bags.

As I strolled down the street, I saw a small dog running in circles about two houses away from where I stood. It looked as if the dog was running after to catch his tail. Typical dog thing to do!

Chuckling I went closer to the dog. What appeared to be a stupid dog was actually circling around some sort of a toy. A baby pacifier to be precise. I winced as a sharp pinching sensation shot up from my calves to my thighs as I crouched down beside the dog which had, luckily, stopped circling around the baby pacifier. 

"Hey there buddy!" I whispered to the Dackel with a short mud brown coat of fur. Settling my knees against the pavement, I shifted closer to the panting dog who was staring at the toy passively and gently patted his long back. When he stayed staring at the baby pacifier, I gingerly scratched and tickled him; starting from the back making way along his long slender body, reaching his head, his soft long ears, and the underside of his jaw. He turned his head looking around the street and then at the line of houses on the other side of the road

Finally turned towards me. Sniffing at my knees and huffing my sweaty sweatshirt from waist to my chest, "Where did you get that from, huh?" 

And a few seconds later, the little Dackel had me resting on my backside and laughing as he licked my throat and my chin. "Aren't you a playful little kid!" I laughed as I continued to tickle the friendly dog; until we both, the dog and I, were startled by an irate voice presumably calling out to him. While I removed my hands from him, he nudged my chest and nuzzled in my shoulder seeking more pampering.