fashion blogger, book one // phan (EDITING)

Thirty Four

"But I can't leave him yet," I mumbled, not moving my eyes away from Phil. "What if he wakes up while no one's here?"

"You heard what she said," Martyn muttered and stood up. But I remained on my place next to Phil's bed and ignored his brother.

"Dan." Phil's mother placed a hand on my shoulder. "We can come back tomorrow. They'll call us if he wakes up, I'm sure."

"I know," I whispered, but I didn't move.

Martyn rolled his eyes and turned around to leave the room. But before, he smiled at Phil. "Bye little brother, love ya. See you tomorrow."

And then he was gone and Catherine and I were alone.

"Come on, Dan, let's go," she said and I bit my lip.

The nurse rolled her eyes in annoyance. "I'm sorry, but you really have to leave now."

Tears started to form in my eyes, tears I didn't want to escape. I squeezed Phil's hand for one last time and placed a light kiss on his forehead. "I love you. And I'm so sorry for everything," I whispered, hoping he'd somehow hear it. But I knew he probably couldn't.

It hurt me to see him like this.

It hurt me to know that it was my fault.

Catherine smiled at me, her face somehow sympathetic when we left the room.

As soon as I had exited the room, I grabbed my backpack and wanted to leave; I didn't want anyone to see me cry. But Catherine grabbed my arm and held me away from leaving.

"Dan, can I talk to you?"

I slowly turned my head around to look at her and nodded. I tried to stop the tears in my eyes, but they just needed to get out and there wasn't really anything I could do about them. Catherine ignored them.

"Listen... I'm gonna get straight to the point. I know it probably wasn't your intention to hurt Phil. I mean you just told me you didn't even know how much you hurt him."

I nodded.

"But please know that it never was Phil's intention to hurt you, either. He was just trying to do what he thought was best for you."

Again I just nodded. "I see," I mumbled, mainly because I didn't know what else to say.

Catherine nodded and smiled weakly. "I hope so. I think... honestly, I think you're a good guy."

She smiled again, and without another word she turned around and left, leaving me alone with my sadness, confusion and the feeling of loneliness that now Catherine was gone was even more dominant.

I watched her walk down the hallway while thinking about what I should do. 

I checked my phone; it was five-past ten, and I had no idea what to do. I sunk against the wall and slid down.

My mind wandered away from Phil for some seconds and I thought of Adam – I hoped he was fine. What I had done to him was terrible. I decided to send him a quick text to check if he's okay.

"Hey, just wanted to let you know I'm at the hospital now. Phil is in a coma, but at least nothing worse than that. I hope you're okay."

He replied quickly. "Don't worry, I'm fine. Do you mind if I call you?"

I didn't want to talk to him. Not after everything that had happened today. But I had been an asshole and a call was the least he deserved right now so I sighed and typed two short words. "Go ahead."

He called me and I took a deep breath before I pressed the answer-button.

"Hey, Adam," I said. My voice was quiet and a bit husky from all the crying.

"Dan." He hesitated. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I guess. Tired as heck, though," I lied.

"So, Phil is in a coma? How is he?"

I was surprised he asked.

"Yeah, uh... turned out he survived the plane crash, but they... they don't know if he'll- he might not make it. And it's my fault." Tears. I let them all out more or less silently, ignoring the nurses giving me sympathetic looks.

"Dan... it's not your fault the plane crashed. And he'll wake up again, I know that. He knows you're with him now, so he just has to come back."

I smiled weakly at his words, once again surprised how much he was supporting me. I had been an utter dickhead towards him, and I don't know if I could be that nice if I had been put into his shoes.

I said "Thank you," but honestly still didn't feel any better. "Adam, I... I need to go now."

He sighed. "Okay. Call me again sometime." He sounded terribly sad.

"I will," I slowly mumbled. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Dan."

I hung up.

The nurses continued walking past me through the white hallway, every single one of them giving me pitying looks when they saw me cry silently on the floor. But none of them stopped to ask me what happened.

I was just unbearably tired. So many things had happened today; in the morning everything had been just as normal, but then I had suddenly been faced with the possibility Phil might've died, I'd broken up with Adam, and then I had found out Phil was alive but in a coma with a chance of never waking up again. I had met his mother again, and his brother, and I still wasn't sure what to think of that.

I closed my eyes, just for a few short seconds, trying to process everything.

But soon those seconds turned into minutes.

"Dan?"

I furrowed my eyebrows and slowly opened my eyes. In front of me was Kate, her hazel eyes looking at me with a worried expression on her face.

"Hm?" I didn't know where I was for a second.

"I don't think sleeping in the hallway of a hospital is the best idea." She smiled lightly.

Before I realised where I was, I was quite confused. But after I had looked around me for not even a second, it came back to me. "Fair enough."

I got on my feet, rather slowly than fast, and grabbed my backpack. I smiled at Kate before I turned around to walk down the hallway.

I wasn't quite sure what to do now, so I just sighed and continued walking. I decided that maybe one of the ER waiting rooms would be a good idea.

"Um, sorry? Kate?" She turned around again when she heard my voice. "At what time does the visitor time begin?"

"In the intensive care unit? 2 PM."

2 PM? I raised my eyebrows. "Oh... okay. Thank you." She nodded.

Maybe staying in the waiting room until 2 PM wasn't the best idea.

"Okay, thanks." I smiled at her and she turned around to leave again. "Oh, and Kate?" She stopped and looked at me. "Thank you so much for letting me in. It really means a lot."

"No problem. You gotta help your co-sailor."

"Oh God, don't remind me of that game." I smiled again. "Seriously though, thank you. I don't know what I'd do now if you weren't so kind. I... I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't see Phil."

Kate just nodded and smiled again. "Really, it's not a problem."