fashion blogger, book one // phan (EDITING)

Thirty

And then I told her everything. From how Phil and I were in a relationship in 2009 to how he broke up with me. How he had been the reason I could never seriously date anyone else, because I just couldn't let go of him. What had happened after we had met again at Louise's party; how Phil and I had had great dates, and how he had chosen to let go of me anyway.

How he had left me.

How I had left him.

How I'd met Adam and tried to forget about Phil, but just couldn't. I told her about my weird flashbacks.

About how I had kissed Phil.

How I had kissed Phil again, but with Adam seeing it.

How I had told Adam it didn't mean anything to me.

How I had left Phil again.

And somewhere in between, I broke out into tears. And I cried and cried, and it was a miracle Dodie was still able to understand what I was saying.

"Oh, Dan," Dodie whispered after I had stopped talking, desperate to help me but without knowing how. I sat on the floor now, leaning against the balcony's railing which kept me away from falling down the sixteen floors (although I probably wouldn't have minded if Harry Potter turned up and accidentally made it vanish like he did with that glass front in 'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone'; yes I felt that terrible).

"I just... I don't know what to do Dodie. All these years, I kind of managed to live without Phil, but now... I don't know anymore. I can't be with him if I don't trust him, but I also can't be with him if he doesn't trust me. Does that make any sense?"

"Maybe give him some time-"

"Dodie, I gave him years."

She sighed.

"What about Adam?" I whispered. "I... I can't keep up a relationship. Not like that, not with how I feel – he doesn't deserve that."

I regretted everything. I shouldn't have kissed Phil in the first place. I shouldn't have called him. Even though I had been drunk as hell, I should've known how much of a bad idea that was.

I let my head drown in my hand and then ran my fingers through my curly hair. I felt horrible; I was a horrible person, that's why. And I needed to get my shit together, for Adam. I might didn't love him the way I loved Phil, but he didn't deserve what I was doing to him. No matter how I was feeling about Phil, there was no way we could be together without hurting the other again and again if we would keep going on like this.

"Maybe tell Adam how you feel-"

"No. I could never hurt him like that. I'll... I'll just try my best to forget Phil."

"Oh Dan," Dodie muttered a second time.

"I... I have to sleep now," I mumbled and I could tell how disappointed Dodie was. She just wanted me to be happy and right in this moment, I obviously wasn't. And it was my very own fault.

But she just whispered, "Okay... Call me if you need anything."

"Thank you."

"Always. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Dodie."

With loads of thoughts in my head that were way too loud, I remained on the balcony for some more time and stared down the building. I watched all the cars drive by and people walk through the streets living their lives. I watched the birds fly through the sky and the sun rise above the roofs of the high buildings in New York City.

It's funny how it always feels like the whole world is only about us and our little problems. Our own view on the world is the only perspective we'll ever have - we don't realise that we're actually not important at all. The world will continue whatever it does even if we feel as if the world should stop because we feel like shit. And even after we die and stop existing - time will extend, just as it did before we were born.