39 // Attack of the Muffins

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i love you baby, and if it's quite all right i need you baby, to warm the lonely night , trust in me when i say


     I never thought I'd be standing outside of that familiar blue-gray door, that was, not without handcuffs or a gun pressed between my shoulder blades, and yet, there I was. Anxiety tore through my muscles, swallowing was difficult, and when I drew a deep breath in, all of my sense was screaming at me to run in the opposite direction as fast as I could. This was the entrance to hell, seemingly innocent but I knew, I knew that there were invisible flames engulfing the door, holding something much more insidious inside. And I was walking right into it. Willingly.

     If there needed to be proof that Reese had literally driven me insane, this moment would be it. I had gone clinically bat-shit. 

     "You sure you want to do this?" Eva asked beside me, shooting me a wary look, scrunching her nose. "I mean, really?"

    I held my breath and nodded my head, eyebrows furrowed in determination. "Yes," I murmured, fists tight. "I- I have to."

     There was only anguish lurking behind that blue-gray door, I knew all too well. War flashbacks flickered through my mind. We'd lost some good men in there.

     The tanned girl cast me a look shining with sympathy, but then nodded her head, rose-red lips quirking up. "All right, well, I'm proud of you, Stells. You're really taking this seriously."

     That much was true- I'd spent the entire night before tossing and turning, the decision burning in my mind and refusing me the grace of sleep. There was a very, very strong part of me that reasoned it was ridiculous- I'd grown, I swear I'd grown, I didn't need this anymore. But then my biting words tore through my memories, and it was harder to convince myself that it wasn't the right thing to do.

     I had grown, enough to realize that I still wasn't ready to let this circle of hell go. Even if it was, in all, the worst.

     Really, the worst.

     "Actually you know what? I'm way overreacting, I don't need to do this, I'm fine! I'm fine, really!" I broke out into nervous, hysterical laughter, the reality of the situation dawning on me too quickly. Eva had narrowed her eyes in skepticism, but I waved her off. "Who needs that guy anyway?"

     "Stella," she said, her tone threatening. "You just said you did. Don't walk away now."

     I paused, feeling her burning, unrelenting stare. "But why not?" I whined, a pout pushing out my bottom lip.

     She crossed her arms. "Weren't you the one that said that this was the first step to getting Reese to talk to you again?"

    I paused. "Yes," I murmured, reluctantly.

     "And so what are you going to do?"

    "Go in there," I admitted with a sigh, the floor holding my guilty gaze. When I looked up, Eva was grinning at me, excitement dancing in her eyes. "What?" I asked, cautiously.

     "I can't believe you're crushing on Reese," she squeaked, chewing on her knuckles, brown eyes sparkling. "Ah! I knew it! I knew that you guys were going to end up together! I have a sixth sense about these things, you know. I called it, I so called it. So fucking hard. It was the dimples, wasn't it? I told you they could cure cancer."

     There was a moment of silence, and I felt my cheeks engulf in flames involuntarily. "... Maybe."

     Her grin only widened.

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