Dying Flame (Editing)

4. Secrets

(Edited)

My eyes open, as I slowly wake up. I see Matthew next to me, sleeping peacefully. I smile to myself, seeing him looking so peacefully. He doesn't think of you that way. You're just a friend. My smile slowly faded, and a dark expression replaced it. I got up, and slowly walk to the kitchen, trying not to wake up Matt. I open many drawers and cabinets, trying to find the one thing I need. I finally open a drawer, and found a knife. You need to cut, to finally cope up with these feelings. I go to the bathroom, and lock the door. Why am I doing this to myself?

I hold the knife tightly, as I start to cut on my arm. This is what you deserve, this is what you deserve for killing mom. You deserve everything bad in your life. I start to sob, but trying not to make too much noise.

You deserve to die. You should go kill yourself. Cutting is only a short solution, killing your self is a permanent solution. I hold my knife even tighter, crying as I go.

Suddenly, there was a bang on the door, and I jump up. "Asha? Are you okay?" I hear Matthew speak from the other side. I simply just sob, trying to speak, but failing.

"Asha, open the door, please." Matt said again, and I listen to him. I unlock the door and the door opens. He came in, taking the knife out of my hand and putting it on the counter, then hugging me, "Please, don't do that, for me. I understand that you can't stop all of a sudden, but please, just tell me."

"I deserve to die, Matt. I deserve to die." I sobbed into his chest, practically yelling.

"Ash, no, you don't deserve to die. Though I haven't known you long, I know you're an amazing, loving girl." Matthew whispered into my ear, instantly calming me down.

"Thanks, for everything you've done for me. No one has been this kind to me." I snuggled into his chest. Matthew laughed,

"Anything for you." I smiled, trying to keep the dark thoughts at bay. I let go of him, 

"Let's go to the park today, okay?" I asked, grabbing his hand. Matt only nodded his head and smiled, I grabbed a hoodie to hide my cuts, and ran out the house, dragging Matthew with me. I heard him laugh behind me, I looked over to see him crying in tears. "What?" I asked.

"It's just that I didn't know you would be this excited to go to the park." He chuckled in tears, I blushed and looked away.

"I just like the park." I murmured and saw him nod behind me.  As soon as we were at the entrance, I saw a girl. She had bright sky blue eyes and blonde hair as bright as the sun. She was absolutely pretty, but I had a bad feeling as she stared at Matthew with hopeful eyes. The girl ran up to us and stopped in front of Matt, ignoring me, "Hey Matthew? Can we talk?" She asked, blushing and acting all shy. I felt like something was up, but I shook it off. Matt looked at me and I only smiled and nodded. The stranger then started dragging him somewhere else. "Thanks, Ash," he mouthed, I slightly smiled.

"No problem," I mouthed back. The next few moments were silent, too silent. I looked around, trying to figure out what I should do. My heart was beating fast, my mind was in a rush, but I had to focus on something else. 'What did that girl wanted to talk about', my mind questioned, but I shook my head. I always had low self-esteem, because my father made me feel so worthless my whole entire life. I slowly walked to the central of the park, where the big fountain was. I stared up at it, watching as the water gracefully pour the water down, going through a cycle over and over. Reminds me of my life, getting washed away, only for it to happen again and again. It's a never ending cycle of sadness and anxiety, no escape, no help. "Hey, Ash!" I heard a familiar voice in which broke me out of my mind. I looked behind me and saw Matthew and the girl. 

Then, my heart dropped, I felt my stomach twist and turn as I looked down and saw that they were holding hands. I knew it, I absolutely knew this would happen. I lightly touched my head with my fingers, trying to forget. Forget about Matthew, forget about the girl, forget this whole situation, but nothing worked. I finally shook my head, knocking some sense into my head. I grinned brightly and waved, leaving my emotions behind me. Matthew stared at me with excitement in his eyes, "Guess what, Ash?" He asked me, giddy like a child. I never seen this side of him before.

"What?" I questioned, acting naive. Matt opened his mouth, but the girl said, "We're dating!" I grinned, trying to be nice, and ignoring my own desires.

"That's great! I'm glad to hear, what's your name?" I asked the girl, she smiled sweetly and said,

"My name is Abby, nice to meet you," I nodded and stuck out my hand, but she hugged me instead. I awkwardly hugged back, and looked over to Matt, who was giddy and nodding at me, I nodded back. We finally let go of each other, and Abby looked over to Matthew,

"Let's go on a date tonight, there's a party at my house. It starts at eight," she said, and he grinned, nodding. Abby then looked over to me, mentally asking me if I want to come, I shook my head,

"Parties aren't my things," I nodded and laughed slightly, trying to act normal, whatever that is. Abby nodded, seemingly to understand how I feel. She then looked over to Matthew and me, "I have to get ready for the party, you know how it is to set up a party," she said, smiling apologetically, we both nodded at her. Abby then said goodbye and walked away. I looked over to Matt, fabricating a smile, "She seems nice. Glad you found someone." I said, hearing my voice becoming quiet over the course of the sentence. He nodded, "I can tell that she means good. Anyway, let's go." I nodded and started walking home , Matt right next to me. 

Once, we got home Matthew went upstairs and started to get ready. I was alone, all alone, with my thoughts, all of my thoughts. 'She deserves him. She's worthy of his love, you're not. You are worthless' I thought, as they start to haunt me. 'You should've died on that sidewalk, then maybe you won't so much of a burden to everyone.' I grabbed my hair tightly, shaking my head, sobbing. 'Kill yourself, you're such a burden. You deserve everything terrible. You're such a crybaby, you're so immature, you didn't even grow mentally over the course of your life.' "Stop! Get away from me, I hate you. Get out of my head!" I screamed over and over again, until the next thing I know, Matt is embracing me, 

"Calm down. I'm here. Take deep breaths, Ash," he softly whispered in my ear, hugging me tightly. I took deep breaths, but started sobbing once again. "Ash, I'm here for you. I'll stay with you for the rest of the night, so please, I beg you, calm down." Matt said once again, I nodded my head, calming down.

"I'm sorry, Matt. Go to the party with Abby, I don't want to bother you." I say to him, but he shook his head.

"I'm sorry, but I can't trust you by yourself. I'll call Abby and tell her I can't come." Matthew said, his eyes burning into mine. I knew I wouldn't be able to force him to go, so I just nodded. He then let go of me and got out his phone. I laid down on the couch, feeling drained from crying. Slowly, my eyes closed as I accepted the darkness.

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Word Count~ 1368

A/N

Thanks for waiting, sorry it took long again. I'm feeling much better! I'll be working on the next part, and as you can see, I changed Abby to actually be a good person. I'm tired of everyone being against Asha, except of Matthew of course. Anyway, thanks for reading!