Not So Secret

(30) Flashbacks

*Chloe's POV*

Yesterday was such a blur. I feel absolutely horrible for acting the way I did but honestly my nerves were shot and I was actually pretty scared of Ethan despite me saying and thinking otherwise. I know I shouldn't have told him we needed a break. I should have realized that wouldn't help anything for either of us; I just couldn't think straight. My mind was so fried and I just felt numb all over. I can't even begin to imagine how Ethan felt. After our emotional, crying moment slash marriage offer, Ethan finally calmed down enough for me to give him some NyQuil so he could get some sleep without stressing. I, on the other hand, couldn't sleep to save my life. I sat up in Ethan's bed all night while he slept peacefully with his arm thrown around my thighs. I played with his hair a few times but thankfully he didn't wake up.

It's eight o'clock and I've never felt more sleepy in my whole life. My mind has gotten no rest since yesterday. Ethan stirs in his sleep and he rolls over, laying his head on my lap. I look down at this fragile little boy before me and feel my eyes getting wet with tears. I force them back and shake my head; promising myself not to cry.

I brush my thumb across his temple and he buries his face further into my thighs. I pull the comforter back up and cover his shoulder with it, making sure he isn't cold. I lay my head back against the wall and close my eyes letting my mind wander.

I begin thinking about Ethan as a child. I think about how it was for his parents to watch him take his first steps and to say his first words and be able to start dressing himself. I think about what his childhood fears were, whether he was afraid of clowns or monsters under his bed the most. Perhaps Ethan is more complex than that. Maybe he was more so afraid of his parents fighting. Maybe he was more afraid of disappointing his parents. I hate that kids have to deal with shit like that; especially because they really don't understand what's going on.

I push the bad thoughts to the back of my mind and begin thinking about what the summers of his childhood was like. I wonder if he preferred playing baseball over basketball or maybe he'd rather swim instead of playing a sport. He probably got really cute freckles across his nose from playing outside so much. His eyes were probably big and bright and full of happiness and light. Just as mine use to be.

Everyone wishes to grow up but once they get their wish, they then wish to take it back. They want to reverse time and go back in the past to the way things use to be. They want the better, happier, and more easier times instead of the bitter, frustrating, and difficult times you get as you graduate high school.

My eyes flicker open and I look down at Ethan. I push a piece of hair away from his eyes and mindlessly stare at him. I think about the first day he saw me. My mom was talking to his dad and she invited them to come swimming. Of course I had thought he was attractive at the time especially because of the tan and his muscles. But I also knew he'd be my step brother if my mom continued to talk to David so I pushed my feelings for him to the very very back of my mind and heart.

There has always been a connection with Ethan and I. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's the way we stared at one another much longer than we should've when we first met. Maybe it was the way he flashed his perfect smile at me and I felt instant butterflies. Or maybe it's the fact that we're both so emotionally fucked up and neither one of us know how to do anything to help ourselves yet we're so good at helping each other.

"Chloe?" Ethan's voice startles me out of my thoughts and I look down at him. His eyes are still full of sleep.

"Yes?" I whisper, rubbing my thumb across his cheek. He continues to stare up at me and I look back at him.

"I was scared," he mumbles quietly without breaking eye contact with me.

"About what?"

"I thought you was going to leave when I went to sleep. I tried to fight sleeping but the medicine made me so drowsy and then before I knew it I was out," he says softly. I bite my lip to stop myself from tearing up. He sounds so innocent and vulnerable. He's so drained emotionally and mentally and I hate that he feels this way.

"You know I couldn't do that to you, Ethan." I run my fingers through his hair and he closes his eyes.

"I know but I was still afraid." He admits and his words tug at my heart.

"Can we talk?" Something is on my mind and I have to know the answer.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just have some questions." I confess and I opens his eyes and looks up at me, nodding.

"Okay."

"What damaged you so badly? I understand the divorce is a big part of that but is there something else that resonates inside of your soul and mind that creates even more damage?" He sits up in the bed and lies his back against the headboard beside of me; our shoulders are touching. He wipes the sleep from his eyes and yawns before speaking.

"Yes," he says quietly.

"Can you tell me what that might be?"

"Basically, when my parents got their divorce, I sort of went crazy. I talked to my mom a lot more than my dad and when she left I just shut everyone out. That's my biggest problem. I can never let anyone in because I feel like they're going to leave me. Another problem is because I couldn't talk to anyone I started coping by using drugs and I almost overdosed one time with sleeping pills but luckily my dad found me and rushed me to the hospital."

"Ethan, you - I - I didn't know. You never told me that," I say sadly. Ethan almost was no longer in this world. I couldn't imagine a world without him.

"I didn't tell anyone. When my mom left we moved towns because everyone knew me as the troubled kid that almost killed himself so dad thought a new beginning would be good for me. When I was about fifteen I started having sex with girls because it would make me forget all the shit that happened and it felt good. For at least an hour I wouldn't think about anything other than the girl lying underneath me." I furrow my eyebrows at this but I understand that was in the past.

He continues speaking. "That's why when we first met and all those couple of months I was such a cocky asshole because I knew you didn't want me in the way that all these other girls had wanted me and it honestly pissed me off because I wasn't use to it." Well that makes a ton of sense actually. It's all becoming a little more clear now.

"When I met you and our parents got married I was still a little pissed but I was happy too because I would be able to get to know you and live with you. Because I was still pissed a little, I continued smoking pot and drinking heavily which is why I'd not come home some nights because I would be at my friend Reed's house." I remain silent and let Ethan continue speaking. This is what he needed. He needed to talk to someone about everything that has happened. Someone can only bury their feelings for so long before they turn into an emotional wreck and have a psychotic break. I know because I've been there; probably too many times to count actually.

"When we went on that group date to the movies and you were with Colton I wanted to bash his face in which would not have solved anything but I still wanted to because you liked him and he liked you and when Mia came home with us, we were upstairs and we were making out and I moaned your name and that's why she got so angry and stormed out." Wow. I had no idea about any of this until now but from everything he's saying it makes all of this stuff ten times more understandable.

"To end all of this story-telling, flashback bullshit, you're what saved me. If my dad hasn't met your mom and they got married and then I met you, I honestly have no idea where I would be today. I'd either be dead or a major whore that'd be drunk and high constantly. You've been here for me more than anyone else which really shocks me considering how big of a dick I've been to you after all this time and all the hurtful things I've said and done to you. I am so glad you're the person you are Chloe. You make me a better person because of it and I'm glad you're in my life. I want to apologize for all the horrible things I've done and I know sorry doesn't make up for it but I will make everything up to you, I don't care if it takes forever because forever isn't long enough with you by my side."

By the end of Ethan's speech I am bawling but not from sadness, but from happiness. He has finally discussed his feelings and a little bit of his past and I believe he will be better from here on out if he continues talking about his feelings and maybe getting some professional help from a counselor or therapist.

"I love you Ethan." Is all I can manage to say. He wraps his arms around me and I press my lips against his neck softly.

"I love you more." He whispers in my ear. I pull away and wipe my eyes.

"Since you told me all of that, I guess it's my turn," I take a deep breath and try to figure out where to begin.