Not So Secret

(17) Numb

•Chloe's POV•

"Good morning," Ryder greets me as I trudge into his kitchen. I groan unpleasantly and take a seat at the island in the middle of the kitchen.

"Sleep good?" He asks softly, placing a cup in front of me. Steam bellows over the top and the sweet smell of coffee fills the air.

"Great. You?" I mumble while taking a sip of the scolding, caffeinated liquid. It instantly warns me from the inside out.

"I slept pretty good myself." He smiles at me and I nod toward him.

A moment of brief silence encloses the air around us before Ryder breaks it. "Would you like some breakfast?"

"I'm not very hungry," I admit.

"Are you okay? I feel like you've not really been acting yourself." Ryder approaches me slowly and I look up at him, countering his eyes with my own.

"Ethan and I broke up yesterday," might as well tell him, everyone is gonna know sooner or later anyways.

He doesn't say anything. He just looks at me for a moment, trying to read my emotions, I guess. He then wraps his arms around me in a warm hug and that's all it takes for the dam to break open and tears to start coming out. I bury my face deep into his chest, quickly soaking his shirt. I grip the fabric of his shirt in my fists, crying loudly, not caring if I sound over dramatic or obnoxious. This hurts a lot. Yesterday I was feeling numb and I don't know which is worse, feeling so terrible that you actually just feel numb or feeling everything so deeply it breaks your heart.

Ryder continues to keep his arms around me and begins rubbing my back, soothing me. My heart hurts so much. I can't even begin to explain how I feel.

After what feels like hours of crying into his chest, I pull away. I wipe my eyes, probably smudging whatever make up I had left over from yesterday, on my cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Chloe. I know things will get better for you." He pats down my tangled hair and tries to smooth it out; it does no good so he just stops trying.

"What if I don't want it to work out?" I hear myself say.

"Why did you two even break up in the first place?" Ryder asks, cautiously.

I tell him the whole story about what happened and he nods continuously, letting me know he is listening and thinking about what I'm saying. After I finish, Ryder sighs.

"Are you sure he even liked her in the first place? There could be a whole different story than just what you saw." Ryder explains and I furrow my eyebrows together. 

"I'm sure he would like her. She's hella tall and blonde and tan and perfect and they're roommates! He's probably seen her naked a billion times!" My voice gets a little louder and Ryder shakes his head.

"I don't know, Chloe. I know I've never met Ethan but I don't think he would just cheat on you by kissing her while you were there, literally in the bathroom. If he wanted to cheat, he'd be way sneaker about it and he probably wouldn't have chased after you." I shake my head no even though Ryder is making complete sense out of it all. Maybe I am over exaggerating.

"I remember this one time a while back I had this girlfriend in high school and we were at a party and I got so drunk I was kissing her but then when I opened my eyes I realized I wasn't kissing her and was actually kissing one of her friends. She thought I was cheating but those honestly were not my intentions. Her and her friend looked the same and even had similar names. Her name was Charlie and her friend's name was Carly. They both had auburn hair and in my drunken state, I thought I was kissing Charlie."

"Oh.." I look away from him. His story makes perfect sense and I feel so bad for not even letting Ethan explain I was just so hurt seeing him kissing her.

"I think maybe you should talk to him," Ryder speaks up and I shrug my shoulders.

"He is not going to want to talk to me after everything I said," I sigh, feeling even more sad than before.

"You never know. He could be waiting by his phone just waiting."

"Maybe a break will be good for us though." I admit. We've been together for so long. Maybe he needs a break from us. Maybe I'm a problem for him or maybe our relationship is a problem.

"Do you love him?" Ryder asks bluntly.

"Of course I love him. We've been through hell and back," I confess.

"Then why would you want a break?"

"I guess because I feel like I'm not good enough for him. I'm so insecure and he can find someone better and maybe he doesn't want to be tied down to me. Maybe that's why he even kissed her in the first place." I murmur quietly.

"I just think you should talk to him and see what he has to say about the whole situation." Ryder explains and I nod. He is right but I want him to try and contact me first.

"Okay. If he doesn't contact me by the end of the week considering today is Sunday, then I will contact him." Ryder considers my idea for a moment and then nods.

"How about instead of waiting a week just wait until Wednesday because he could be thinking the same things you are and won't call you or come see you because he thinks you don't wanna see or talk to him."

"Okay deal." I shake his hand and he smiles at me.

"Thanks for letting me stay here and letting me cry on you and stuff," I scratch the back of my neck nervously and he nods.

"It's no problem. Any time. I know you'd do the same for me." I nod back.

"I definitely would. I don't mean to rush but I should probably get back to my dorm and talk to Veronica. She's probably freaking out." I give him a quick hug before going back to his room and getting dressed in the clothes I was wearing yesterday and I quickly make his bed and fold him clothes and lie them neatly at the end of the bed.

"Thanks again. See you in class tomorrow, bye." I wave goodbye to Ryder and he smiles, as he closes the door behind me. I make my way down the street, gathering all of my thoughts as I get onto a bus that'll take me back to my dorm.