Fraternizing with the Enemy

31 // I Love It When You Call Me Big Papa

     Names were not important.

     Now I just had to strike up a conversation with one of them, talk boy things. Boys liked fast cars and hot girls. And meat. And video games. And boobs. I could do this. At the very least- while boobs were not physically my forte, I could do meat.

     I squared my shoulders and marched with a sense of purpose, face hard, eyebrows pinched, right into a huddle of very confused people. Or rather, boys. Who all paused mid-drink as I forced myself between two of them, a taller dark boy and a shorter one with red hair and a speckling of freckles. They both stared at me with question. I swallowed.

     All I needed was one of them to take interest. The higher the numbers, the better my chances, I figured.

     It wasn't as if I'd never spoken to anyone of the male persuasion before, and yet, as the seconds ticked by and the lull in conversation continued to scream in my ears, the vowels were dissolving on my tongue.

     Boy things. Talk boy things.

     "How do you guys feel about meat?" I asked, blinking, wearing a shaky grin.

     They said nothing. Nothing at all. Just stared, dark, soul-sucking eyes boring into me. No words.

     And as I looked up- ah yes, there was my soul, escaping from my lips, floating far, far away and disappearing into the abyss, leaving my physical body to rot in utter shame and mortification.

     "I'm just gonna- I'm gonna go now. Thank you. For this riveting conversation. I'll take this as my cue."

     It took all my effort not to crawl into a hole and die Quasimodo style, and really, that could just be due to the heat of booze that was still radiating in my chest. At least the buzz that was clouding my eyes made it bearable, although morning Stella was probably going to jump off the roof. For now, at least, I had the rest of the night.

     Just as I had poured myself another drink and was ready to buckle up the chastity belt myself, Wyatt appeared, all chaotic blond hair, face flushed and radiating with delight. He instantaneously caught me in a bone-crushing hug, roaring my name in my ear and punctuating it with a too-loud laugh that ignited all the way down my spine.

     "I never thought I would be so happy to see you!" I cried, returning to hug back just as hard. "A boy! A real-live boy!"

     "Want me to drop my pants just to check?" When he pulled away, there was a cheeky grin splitting across his face.

     I snorted. "I trust you, but seriously. Wyatt, I never thought I'd say this but- I need you."

     He nodded, drawing a sigh. "I always knew this day would come- lay it on me. What can Big Papa help you with?"

     "Big-?" I began to question, but when I met Wyatt's eye, I immediately felt the question evaporate. There was no beginning in figuring out what that boy actually meant. "Listen, I know this may be weird, but I need to find someone to make out with. Like, now."

     He hummed in understanding, his fingers poised at his chin. "Go on."

     "Really, anyone, I'm serious. Preferably with a nice face but also I just asked a group of strangers their thoughts on meat, so I don't know if I can be too picky right now," I admitted, scratching my forehead with furrowed brows. The reality of the situation was beginning to crash over me tsunami-like, and the results were not being very pretty.

     Science was supposed to be on my side. Goddamn, science.

     "And like, okay if you could just help me, I know it sounds weird, but could you just lead me in the right direction of where I should go? I mean, okay, I know you're not ga-"