Voices

c h a p t e r 2 6 : m i s t a k e s

At any rate, it's been hours since I pressed 'send' and she hasn't replied. Maybe she didn't read it. Maybe something happened to her.

Maybe she just doesn't want to see you.

I stayed up all night, tossing and turning, unable to get any shut eye, no matter how hard I tried. By five in the morning, I had completely given up on the idea of sleep and decided to get some fresh air and, somehow, found myself watching the sunrise by the beach.

And I've got to admit. Early mornings are certainly much more peaceful than late nights. I'm not sure what is it about them that gives it that refreshing feel. Or maybe it's all just in my mind.

With no agenda for the day except for the sunset meeting with Lou - I hope - I decided to spend the day just sitting by the beach, thinking, with the occasional toilet and meal breaks. I'm not even sure what I'm thinking about or where my mind is wandering off to.

I don't know. There's just something about this summer that made me question everything I thought I knew. Or didn't know.

I don't even know what I know or what I'm doing at this point. I don't know where to go or what to do. How can one person change my life so drastically? One person I barely even know. I wish I could say otherwise, but that's the truth.

All Lou and I did was spend a little bit of time together, talking and having fun, but that's far from a foundation for a relationship, if there was even a chance in the first place.

I guess this is what people would term 'the ripple effect', where one small act leads to big changes. And it certainly did. In my life anyway. I'm not sure how Lou feels about all this. Yes, I've read her letter but I'll never know if that's how she feels or if it's just a strong front she's put up.

"Sam!"

My ears perk up at the sound of my name and I turn towards my newfound companion.

"Jasmine. What a coincidence," I say as she takes a seat on the sand beside me.

She shrugs. "I just decided to take a walk and saw you here," she replies. "And it's been a while since we've properly talked so I thought we could catch up a bit."

Great. What perfect timing.

I mean, I don't have anything against Jas or against catching up with her. It's just that she had to choose such a time to do that, when I am far from wanting to make small talk with anyone.

You're doing it again.

Pushing people away.

You said you wanted to stop.

What happened, Sam?

"Yeah, yeah, sure," I answer nonchalantly, continue gazing at the horizon, hoping Jas will get the message that I'm not in the mood.

But, of course, this is Jas we're talking about. She's horrible at reading people and the situation.

"Great. So what have you been up to?" she asks cheerily.

I shrug. "Nothing much. The usual."

"Come on, Sam. There's no 'usual' here. You've just finished high school. Aren't you excited for college?"

I shake my head. "I decided to take a gap year. I don't feel ready to go to college and I definitely could use the break."

Not that many would understand.

"Why? You're just going to waste time? Why not finish with all this studying thing faster?"

My point proven.