Voices

c h a p t e r 1 9 : s u r p r i s e

L o u i s a

"I'm forgetting. Who I am. Why can't they see that I'm not perfect." - Escape, Megan Nicole

One.

Two.

Three.

Surprise.

Surprises always throw you out of proportion.

Always makes your life spiral

Even more than it was before.

*

I hope I didn't make a fool of myself in front of Sam. I'm glad he said what he did though. I'm glad he brought me back to my senses.

Hearing him talk about the possibility of 'us' reminded me of how unfit I am for him. I shouldn't lead him on even more than I already have, even if it's unintentional. He deserves a better, happier life than one with me.

I'm not going to lie. Today was a great experience, whether it was a date or not. It's refreshing to know that someone out there understands and cares, though, it seems like he cares about me in a way I'm not ready to be cared for.

Being loved unconditionally for once would be nice, but I'm not sure if I'm selfish enough to weigh someone down with that burden. It's hard to love someone like me, especially if even I find it difficult to love myself.

No, I have to distance myself from Sam and I have to do it now, no matter how much it hurts to do so.

I have to.

I must.

Before I'm in too deep.

I push open the back door of my house.

"Basil, Aunt Annabelle, I'm home," I call out as I enter, closing the door quietly behind me.

"Lou!" someone exclaims, pouncing on me and wrapping their arms around me before I even have the chance to look at them, knocking both of us to the floor.

She pulls away, a huge smile on her face.

"Ria, what are you doing here?" I ask, laughing.

She shrugs. "Can't I be here? I just wanted to spend some time with my best friend during the holidays. My parents allowed me to come over and your mum said that I could stay with you at your aunt's."

"Wow. That's great," I reply, plastering a smile on my face.

It's not that I'm not glad to see Ria here. It's just that I was not expecting this at all.

"So, can we go to the beach?" she asks lightly.

"What? Now? But I just came back."

"Yes, now."

I shake my head. "Sorry, Ria. I just feel very tired now. You can head to the beach if you want. You can ask Basil to take you. I'll spend more time with you tomorrow, I promise. But right now, I just need a rest. I'm sorry," I answer apologetically.

And it's true. I feel very tired, just not physically tired. I am so emotionally drained from trying to keep my facade up. It's just so easy to put down my mask around Sam that it really took a lot of effort to keep it up, especially in those last few moments.

"Are you okay? You seem like you have a lot on your mind."

"Yeah. I have a lot of thinking to do."