fashion blogger, book one // phan (EDITING)

One

But I didn't. And suddenly, everything around me turned black, and I closed my eyes.

"Dan? Dan! What's going on? Dan! Do you hear me?"

I opened my eyes at the loud female voice I heard right next to me. I felt that a hand was being placed on my chest, and honestly, all I wanted was for it to vanish.

"I'm... I'm fine," I said and looked at her. The blonde hair and the grey eyes, I recognised it. Right. Ina. "I'm fine, really. Don't worry."

She nodded slowly, not being convinced completely. "You scared the hell out of me. You just started screaming out of nowhere."

"I'm sorry. I had a nightmare."

"Don't worry about it. I'm here with you," she whispered reassuringly, and honestly, it didn't really help.

I nodded slightly, and then she leant in to kiss me. And when these goddamn blue eyes and the dark black hair made their way into my head again, I knew that he was back in my head again.

* * *

"Listen, Ina, I'm sorry-"

"Was it just fun to you? Playing with my feelings like that?"

"You know I wouldn't do that. It's... complicated."

"Complicated?" She stared at me, her grey eyes meeting my brown. "Are you kidding me?"

"Ina, I can't explain it. This whole thing just... doesn't feel right to me. And I promise this isn't about you, you're wonderful. And you'll find another guy who'll treat you the right way. But that guy won't be me."

She shook her head. Her eyes started to shine lightly, and I knew she was close to tears. But I had to end this.

"So that's it? You're just gonna break up with me?"

Ina and I hadn't even been dating for this long, but I could tell this was getting to her. I felt sorry, but by far not sorry enough to give in. 

I was used to it.

That might sound heartless, but usually I was the one who would start feeling uncomfortable, and usually I was the one ending my relationships.

Except for that one time.

I tried not to think about it. I didn't want to, not now.

"I'm sorry."

"You fucking dickhead," she mumbled. "I didn't mean anything to you!"

"Don't say that."

"But it's true, isn't it?"

"Listen, Ina, I really like you, but I can't help it, okay? I can't force any feelings upon myself that just aren't real." It hurt even me to say those words, especially since I knew what it felt like to hear those words from someone I'd fallen for, a long time ago.

Tears started to flow down her face, so I hugged her. Her short figure seemed tiny compared to mine, but I used to think of it as kind of cute. Now I just missed being hugged by someone who was almost the same height as me.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

* * *

I don't fall in love.

It's just not my kind of thing. It's not that I'm not attracted to anyone, the thing is that I don't feel like falling in love is who I am. Love simply doesn't work for me.