Watch as the man who just wanted his van back becomes more than just a simple carpenter with a licorice tail and wooden hands in...The Hank Saga!
A lot of these are stories I wrote a while back, so there's quite a few to upload to here (the 60+ isn'...
Pishlemtickens Goes To The Library (Hank Saga Story #27) By: Dan Leicht/D.e.e.L
A fairy with a beard reaching down to the soils of earth raises a finger to the sky.
"Was that...was that to me?"
"It sure was. I bet you done already forgot what you did to my laundromat."
"I thought that was your house."
"Quit sayin' 'that'. It makes for bad written' it does."
"You're grammar isn't helping the situation."
"I done have one of those speech impeachments."
"Impediments?"
"Never heard of them. They make your mouth feel all clean and tingly?"
"Probably. Anyway, I know how you feel. Nina blew up my van."
"That's because you done tried to shoot her with a laser beam!"
"How'd you know that, Pishlemtickens?"
"I've been watching you since you was just a boy."
"Back when...I had real hands?"
"I remember the time you lost those hands. You and your friends Willy and Eddy done being dopes thinking you was carpenters or something."
"We were young."
"You was all in your thirties."
"Ahh...youth."
Pishlemtickens throws a rock and knocks Hank out of the tree he was sitting in whilst eating peanut butter on a Tuesday in July.
"Why you done hit me with a rock when I could have just done climbed out that tree using my grabby hands."
"You mockin' me boy?"
"I never would done do such a thing I wouldn't."
"That there rock must've knocked a screw loose in your dang noggin."
"I have three screws loose in my noggin and I done missing a nail or two too."
"Don't ever put two different variations of a similar word next to eachother, regardless of their dang meaning. You ever done speak in a dialogue before? How many stories has it been and you still don't know what you're doing?"
"I do, I know dang well what I'm doing, Mr. Pishlemtickens."
"Do the young people call you Mr. Hank?"
"No, Hank isn't my last name."
"Then why in the heck are you calling me Mr. Pishlemtickens?"
"Well I don't know your last name, otherwise I would refer to you as such."
"It's Ben. Pishlemtickens Ben is my name."
"That don't make a lick of sense, Mr. Ben."
"Quit using that word...I mean...quit saying 'that'. And call me Pishlemtickens."
"You sure? Mr. Ben is a whole lot easier to say."
"What done happen to your speech impeachment?"
"I was just making fun of you."
"That's downright cruel of you. Now follow me, I got to show you something."
"Where are we going?"
"To Grandma Nina's house."
"But the title says..."
"Who cares what the title says! Was the steel hourglass really made of steel? No! See, the titles don't mean a damn thing. I can go wherever I want."
"Grandma Nina lives in the library?"
"She sure does. Now come on in."
The two wandering souls wander into the soulful library. Sitting in a chair in the far back is Nina, toasted by the toaster in which bread is placed in order to be toasted, wearing a scarf.
"Nina...is that you?"
"NIIIIIINA!!!!"
"Get out of here, Gerfunk. You aren't in this here story."
"Nina, what are you doing here?"
"Reading...duh."
"Now why you ask her such a stupid question, Hank?"
"I was just making conversation."
"You don't make conversation in a library. You read."
"Fine...then what are we reading?"
"Thiiiiiiiis..." says Nina as her shaky hand hands a book to Hank's wooden hands.
"What is this?"
"I bet it's one of those books you done better be reading to find out where I done been all your life."
Hank opens the book and with the power of imagination, or maybe fairy dust from Pishlemtickens, the contents of the book can be seen all around them playing out like a movie.
– A young boy, mid-thirties, is playing with his friends in the school yard."Pass me the hammer, Hank!" The young boy throws the hammer at his friend. His friend catches it and says thanks. Young Hank walks over as his friend is readying himself to pound a nail into a board. "Look at me, Hank! I'm just like a carpenter!" His friend slams the nail into the board and then hands the hammer to Hank's normal people hands that aren't made of wood yet. "How do I work this thing?" asks a confused Hank. His friend, Eddy, looks over to Willy who was just about to leave for his doctor's appointment and starts laughing at Hank's inability to operate a hammer using skills learned before this current situation. "Don't laugh at me," says Hank with the hammer raised high above his head. "We was laughing with you, Hank. We're your friends," responds Eddy in a calming tone. Hank puts the hammer down and pulls out his notebook to write a poem. He opens to the first page just as a raindrop falls from a cloud or something and splashes a mile or two away from any of them. Then the clouds break right above them and a spaceship shoots out a cannonball into the earth. They all walk up to it, wondering what it could be. It wasn't a cannonball at all; I'm not even sure why they thought it was in the first place. A humanoid creature stands tall and declares himself Gerfunk. He takes the hammer from Hank's hand and eats it in about sixteen bites.
Hank stands in front of his friends
Facing the other direction
His friends ask why he's behind them
And he replies "I literally can't even right now."
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