Book 2: She's Out To Please (Duff McKagan FanFic)

Ch. 18: Lines

I had been mulling over what Margot had said about Kaz for days now. For some reason, it wasn't just something I could forget about in an hour or two. This new insight into Kaz's supposed feelings for me only managed to bring more questions bubbling to the surface of my thoughts.

Did she really like me? Was she really trying to get close to me? Was that why she had helped me get the job? Then there was the most troubling question of all; how was this going to effect my relationship with Mary?

It wasn't like I wanted to date Kaz, far from it. But the fact that I'd been practically obsessed with her crush on me from the moment Margot had spilled the beans was rather unsettling. It made me start question which was stronger, my love for Mary, or my lust for Kaz.

Then there was also the fact that, if Kaz really did like me, she might start to flirt with me. Maybe even more blatantly than she was now. If Margot could see it, I guessed that everyone else could too. That meant my aunt, my coworkers, and yes, even Mary.

Now I had two budding affairs to cover up, and no idea if either one had any real credibility. After all, Mary was still treating me like a trick, only calling on me for sex and music. Then there was Kaz, who was always teasing me but never really making a solid move.

I absentmindedly took a swig from the bottle at my side. My fifth beer in the passed hour, all used as chaser for the even bigger bottle of vodka beside me. A bottle which was now empty.

I gazed up into the setting sun and heaved a sigh.

"You okay?"

I recognized the voice immediately as Steven's. It was pretty hard to miss, after all. You could always hear the faintest hint of a laugh, just barely held in by his smiling teeth.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

I heard shuffling from behind me, followed by some grunts and groans as Steven hoisted himself up onto the roof. Once he got to the top, he shuffled over and plopped down beside me, both of us now with our legs dangling stories above the concrete.

"Want some?"

I blinked furiously in an attempt to focus in on the joint that Steven had shoved inches from my face.

"No thanks," I murmured, waving it away lightly.

Steven pulled it back, a frown now clouding his usual, peppy expression. "You sure?"

He didn't really wait for a response. Instead, he put the joint to his lips and lit it, taking a long drag and letting it sit before coughing uncontrollably.

"Where are the rest of the guys?" I asked, ignoring his last question.

"Well..." He exhaled more smoke, his eyes squinting against the sun. "Izzy's passed out on the couch, and Slash is playing guitar. He's pretty drunk, but he's convinced he sounds good."

Steven broke into laughter as he said that last part, obviously amused at his oldest friend's antics. I smiled a bit too. It was hard not to when Steven was chuckling, his grin was always so contagious. I'm sure my being drunk didn't help either.

"And Axl?" I reminded him once he'd calmed down.

"He's at the Whiskey, trying to set up a gig for us," he stated, taking another hit.

My smile disappeared as I leaned back until I was lying flat against the rough shingles of the roof. Above me, a velvet blanket of stars twinkled as the sun began to disappear behind the horizon. The lights danced in a swirl of galaxies, my head going numb as my eyes tried to track every little dot. When I closed my eyes to recuperate, I was convinced that I could feel the Earth spinning on its axis. And, boy, were we moving fast.

It reminded me of the days of my boyhood, where I would sneak into rides at the carnival whenever I couldn't afford to buy tickets. One ride, a UFO riddled with lights and blaring music, had caught my attention. However, after sneaking onto it and discovering the nauseating ride that awaited me there, it soon became my least favorite part of the park.

So, why then was I so determined as an adult to recreate that feeling? Dead set on fucking myself up to the point where nothing could save me? After all, this wasn't a ride. I couldn't just yell 'stop this ride, I want to get off!' I was stuck like this, spinning and spinning with nowhere to run.

The more I thought about it, the more my heart began to pound. My whirling brain began to pulse as it raced with the panic of being stuck this way forever. Of being anchored to the ground, the only place where I had started to feel even remotely close to normal. I feared that this ride would never stop, and that this feeling of doom was all I had to hold onto as I was sent into a frenzy.

"Steven..." I murmured, my hands clasping at my face as I opened my eyes back up.

Closing them only proved to make the dizzy feeing worse, but then again, so did looking at the stars. The least I could do was shield my eyes from the view while also keeping them open. It helped, but not by much.

"S'up?" He responded casually, not even looking at me. Of course he had no idea what I was going through. No one ever seemed to know.

It was funny, to me. The feelings of dread were so strong, and the terror that gripped me wracked my whole body. I could feel it, I was crippled by it, and I figured others could always see it happening to me. And yet, no one ever could. Did I really hide it so well? Or was it really all just in my head?

If that was the case, and this was all just a mental thing, I knew how to fix this. The key would be to silence the brain, and to shut it off for good.

"Would you mind grabbing me another bottle of vodka?"

Steven giggled and looked at me with squinting eyes. The eyes that belonged to someone who was stoned out of their mind. "Two bottles of vodka? That's gonna' knock you out, man."

I grinned back, hoping that I could keep up this charade that nothing was wrong. Make Steven think that I was simply determined to get wasted tonight, rather than have him know that I was constantly running from these demons. Running from everything.

"I know," I forced a smirk and a laugh, nodding my head enthusiastically for good measure.

Steven, still beaming, stood from his spot and headed over to the drain pipe where he could climb down and head back into the loft. "Alright, man. But you gotta' share some with me."

I watched his fluffy, blond curls disappear over the ledge, only turning away once I was sure that he was gone. When I was finally alone, I turned back to the stars, only able to take them in for a moment before they started to fuck me up again.

Reluctantly, I settled for staring at the palms of my hands once more. It was there that I found comfort focusing on the needle-thin life lines that travelled every which-way across my skin.

My thoughts rushed back to one of those carnivals, memories of an old, gypsy woman flooded my mind. Back then, I had laughed at her declaration that she was able to read someone's future, simply by following the lines of their palms. Now, I wondered just how much of that-if any-held truth.

Scanning the lines, I realized that there were so many of them, and I wondered if maybe they represented different futures. Or maybe, different steps to reach a specific future? I frowned. What if I missed a step? What if I chose the wrong one?

"Hey, I'm back! I found two bottles!" Steven cheered. I heard the clanking of the glass as he set them down, and more grunting as he climbed up once again.

I didn't take much notice of him, though. Nor did I really care to acknowledge the bottles of vodka he had found. Suddenly, I was completely entranced with my hands, inspecting them for lines.

I was looking for the right one. The one that made me the bassist of a successful band, and also the one that would convince me that Mary was and always would be mine.