Voices

c h a p t e r 9 : t h o u g h t s

"What about breakfast?" she asks, looking up from the paper she's reading. "You can have a quick breakfast first."

I shake my head. "It's fine, Aunt Annabelle. I'm not hungry."

"Well, okay then. Be safe," she says kindly, smiling.

I return her smile. "I will," I reply before exiting the house.

A cool breeze hits me as I walk out, the smell of salt lingering in the air. I instinctively look to the ground when I walk, not wanting to make any awkward eye contact. I search my bag for my iPod and earphones and plug it in, blasting music into my ears, turning up the volume and shutting out the world.

A much needed escape, what with not being able to find alone time for the past few days.

It's very important to me; if not, I'll get too drained and exhausted, not that many people will understand.

And now, I just put one foot in front of the other, hoping the walk and cool air can clear my head. Not that my thoughts will ever be completely doused, can it?

I take in a shaky breath of air, tears pooling in my eyes and I blink my eyes quickly in hopes the water will dissipate.

I don't even know how I became what I am today. I remember being happy all the time and just grateful for life itself and, before I knew it, I was already consumed by the darkness. I don't even know what light is anymore at this point.

I remember smiling and laughing but I don't remember what it feels like to be happy, and not just plastering a smile on your face or faking it. At this point, I don't even know what it feels like to enjoy life and not just power through day to day, just barely surviving.

I remember going to bed with a warm heart but I don't remember how that warmth felt like. And now, I cry myself to sleep every other night and when I'm not crying, I'm just tossing and turning, feeling empty, feeling broken, feeling my whole world fall into pieces over and over again.

Everything around me seems so surreal and make belief, almost like I am perpetually suspended in a dream that I will never wake up from. What happened to my fairytale happy ending? Why am I only left in the dark with no one to guide?

The sound of footsteps on wood reaches my ears and I stop. Wood? I thought I'm on a concrete pavement.

My eyes scan my surroundings and I realise I am by the boardwalk, the one Basil brought me to only yesterday.

The one with the antique shop Sam works at.

I freeze as I look at the shop. The sign by the door says 'open' and it seems so tempting and welcoming that I nearly walk over to the shop and go in. But what reason do I have to go there? I'm not going to buy anything and while I am fascinated by antiques, I am definitely not enchanted enough by them to want to spend hours browsing the shelves.

How can Sam stand working at a shop like that with nothing to do and, most likely, not too many customers?

I find myself outside the shop and I stop in my tracks. I don't need to go in. I can't. Instead, I turn on my heel and walk off the boardwalk and onto the road, headed all the way straight. To the beach.

I walk down the stairs and onto the soft sand, where I can feel myself sinking. I remove my sandals and hold them in my hand as I walk with no particular destination in mind. I just want to feel the wind blow, the warm sand beneath my feet and listen to the calming sound of the ocean.

I turn to look out into the blue ocean, the waves washing up to shore. I spot the buoys that signal the end of the area that we're allowed to swim in as well as a couple of boats and yachts even further with an island to my left.