What Now? (Liam Payne) [BWWM] 2016

Toya

*video up top*

The silence is screaming loud.

I've gotten well enough to move back into my bedroom with semi constant supervision and I'm able to walk short distances on my own, so I won't complain. Having to alert someone that you need help to get to the bathroom gets draining and there's only but so much embarrassment I could take before I would have dragged myself there; rug burned, knees bruised and fingers bloodied and sore be damned.

Momma never raised a punk.

After the heated discussion in the kitchen with Z, Liam stayed home for maybe four days before work called him out again. He'd come home sober, put our children to sleep, clean up a bit since his mother had taken to cooking for us. He was reserved, too reserved for the growing pit of anxiousness in my stomach. He just kept to this pattern, wouldn't say much to me outside of taking care of the kids and bills that needed to be paid. I was baffled.

I thought it was me.

So although I was still by no means recovered, I dragged myself out of bed to shower and wash my hair, sitting on the tub floor and letting the water cascade down on me as I kept my head pressed against the cool tiles of the shower wall, eyes squeezed shut as a last ditch attempt to quell the raging upset to my equilibrium and the black spots that danced in my vision every time I opened them to make sure I was grabbing the correct product in my hair routine. It was a long process made longer by my illness, my body feeling it every moment my arms were raised above my head, painstakingly trying to clean myself up. To be the woman he married.

After drying my hair the best I could, I moisturized and put on the slinkiest pair of pajamas I could find without making his mother uncomfortable or giving Z too much of a show when he would pop in to check up on me, Z having secured an apartment a few floors down from us to be able to lend a hand or to watch the boys there so I could have some quiet, Noah entering the rebellious part of his two year old age and Aiden just generally being unimpressed with the pain of teeth coming in.

Arranging myself on the bed, I tried to prop myself up as seductively as one could being sick. Not long after, I could hear the door to Liam's studio open, followed by light chatter between he and his mother. Their relationship has been strained since she decided to referee between him and her basically adopted son. I hear Noah getting scolded for being rude and I sigh, terrible twos truly.

Liam cracks the door to our bedroom carefully, peering in and meeting my self conscious gaze. His eyes trail down my body, lingering on my satin sleep shorts before landing back on my expectant eyes.

He sighs. "What are you doing Toya?"

Fiddling with the bottom of my shorts, I glance down. "Trying to figure out why my husband is tip toeing around me."

"You're sick."

"We haven't done anything besides actually sleep with each other in two months."

"We've been busy."

"You're not busy right now."

He steps into the room, shutting the door behind him. Agitated, he throws a throw blanket over my legs. "You're sick Toya. You're still pale and I can see you fighting to sit up. Go to sleep, I've got to go to the studio anyway."

Recoiling as if I've been slapped, the all too familiar sting of tears pricking my eyelids surfaces. "The studio is two doors away, you can't spare some time for me?" I ask, hating the strong undercurrent of begging lacing my voice.

"Collaborators studio." He answers, walking into his closet and ruffling around hangers before emerging with a large travel bag and his backpack. Walking over to his side of our dresser, he grabs a few essentials and adds that to his bag, his gaze briefly flickering to mine in the mirror. He sighs again.

"What's this face."

"I'm just wondering when my husband stopped loving me. I got sick, I didn't die." I seethe, battling the persistent pricking against my eyelids as I'm determined not to let him see me cry.

"That's a stretch, even for you."

"Is it really?" I fire back, incensed. "You won't talk to me, you won't touch me, you barely look at me."

"Toya, that's a lie-"

"Discussing our children isn't conversation, Liam. That is responsibility. The responsibility both of us agreed on when we got pregnant, not once but twice. You used to talk to me all the time, now I get this attitude whenever I try to reach out."

He stands there, his face impassive, a scary cry from the man I met and fell in love with.

"Look, I know it's been stressful with this girl and her mother and their constant running to the media and hyping the situation up. I get that you're under pressure to work on this music for you and everyone else you've lent yourself to. That's just it, you've given yourself to everyone else and there's none of you left for your family. Your mother is so worried and it's breaking my heart. Our boys just want their daddy and I don't even know who you are."

Liam says nothing. It looks like the wheels are turning in his head and my heart rises when I see a flicker of emotion pass his face. Is it sad that I'm so excited just to see a flicker of emotion? He looks down at his bag, checking its contents before walking to the door. Pausing, he looks back at me.

"You wouldn't understand half of the stress that I'm under."

I lean forward on the bed, wincing slightly at the sudden movement. "Help me understand. We're supposed to be a team."

He shakes his head. "There are some demons I have to deal with on my own. You're all our kids have left."

Confused, I shake my head. "Liam, what are you-"

"I'll be at the studio for a few days so don't wait up."

With that he closes the door and I stare at it for a long while, not strong enough to make it to that door. I hear the front door slam shut, sending Noah running into our room. Leaning over to help him into the bed next to me, Liam's mum appears in the doorway with a cross looking Aiden. She takes in my appearance and sighs gently, sensing my shoulders shaking as I gather Noah into my arms and hug him as silent tears start rolling down my face.

The bed dips as she and Aiden join and motherly arms wrap around me as I wrap my own around my sons and cry.

"What did I do?" I choke out, body too weak to fight the sobs, letting them wrack my body as my inner turmoil shows outwardly.

Her arms tighten around me as she shushes me, rocking and humming.

"I wish I knew my dear, I wish I knew."

I cry until I feel empty inside, the boys having fallen asleep in my arms after giving up struggling to get let go. Liam's mum still rubbing soothing circles into my back, while my face feels tight and raw as the central air hits it. Staring blankly at one of our wedding pictures, I decide I'm going to find whatever producer he's at and bring him home, he told me he wouldn't give us up and I'm holding him to it.

Against her protests, I get dressed in slouchy sweats and over sized sweater. I make it to the front door with a special amount of effort, all the while Liam's mum begging me to go rest, her pleas falling on determined ears.

Opening the door, I'm greeted by Z with a hand raised as if to knock. He looks at me quizzically and back at Liam's mum who is begging him to tell me go back and rest for my own health. Black spots dotting my vision, my arm shoots out to grasp the door frame, steadying me. Concerned hazel brown eyes search mine and I attempt a smile, feeling more of a grimace.

"Never better."

"Toya..." His voice wavers as my vision goes black and I collapse into him.