What Now? (Liam Payne) [BWWM] 2016

Toya

I'm so tired.

The sunlight streams into my bedroom and warms my skin, bringing a soft smile to my face as I open my eyes. After blinking a bit to adjust my focus, my eyes land on my yoga mat and I groan. I bought it months ago, completely lying to myself when I said I would use it, but today is the day. Don't get me started on people who set new year resolutions and then abandon them days or even weeks into it. I wouldn't say that I'm one of those people... HOWEVER... pizza love is real and its really showing.

Shuffling to the bathroom, I turn on the tap for hot water, wetting my washcloth and wiping my face. Grabbing toothbrush and toothpaste, I hum a song I can't remember while brushing my teeth. Pulling my hair into a bun, I walk back into my bedroom. Setting the classic iPod on shuffle and checking the volume on my speakers, I begin to lightly stretch, feeling the familiar strain in muscles that I haven't used since college.

A song comes on that I never thought would fail to bring me a smile but, instead I grimace, not being able to grab the iPod fast enough to change the song.

"Free me," I mutter, scrolling to find something less painful. I haven't been able to listen to any of that music since a particularly bitter March.

It sounds dramatic, I know. It was my lifeline though. So, like many others, I leaned on it and pulled from it and when I was weak, I pulled some more from it and even then, it wasn't enough and I still pulled more.

Thinking back on it now, I was the perfect leech and took no note of my life source growing weaker and weaker as I drained it to patch the holes within my own self. I took no note.

I was selfish with them. I guess we all were. I leaned on them, pulled from them, demanded of them and took no note of the cost. On them, on their families, on their psyches.

When their carefully crafted personas started to slip through the cracks, I was guilty of making them the villians, I shamefully cast the first stones and made poorly disguised attempts at protection in the form of more verbal recklessness. Just a cycle of harsh words and heartbreak and late nights with too many drinks and glaring at washed out pictures from paparazzi flashes and outrage as to who was out with whom and what in the whole world they could possibly have in common.

My fave wouldn't be caught dead with her!

She's fake.

She's using him.

She'll never be me.

Now lets be clear: There is a difference between clear as day PR tactics & click bait trappings vs something actually being wrong in a situation and people being blind or choosing not to notice in order to worship...

...I'm losing the point here.

What do you do when you've pulled everything from the thing saving you and all that's left is pain? When does it dawn on you that they needed you as badly as you needed them but you've pulled everything from them and still need them to be alright? Needing them to be your superhero, to swoop in when you call, or play a song on iPod that takes you to a happier place?

I exhale slowly, positioning my body into a yoga pose.

What Now?