The Royals and The Baby

moving on (42)

My shoulders shake and my whole body bends over as my mind registers the afternoon's events. William puts an arm around my shoulders to steady me as we both stand side by side, staring at our son's grave.

Frederick William Blake

Son of Prince William and Princess Cassandra

Born: 10 September 2016

Died: 10 September 2016

May his soul rest in peace

I sniff and bury my face in Will's shoulder as he tightens his arms around me, closing me inside the cage his arms make and right now his arms are all that are holding me to earth.

After a few moments I pull away and look around me. Ronald is talking on his phone, my mom and Ella are bent over my daughter. She must be awake by now. I start towards the trio when I feel a hand on my arm.

I turn around to face him.

"Let's go home." He says, taking my hand and starting to walk towards the parking.

"But what about...?" I start to ask but he cuts in. "You mother will take her with her. Now, come on."

I follow him to his parked car and get in next to him and as he starts the car and pulls out of the parking lot. Without putting on my seatbelt I pull up my knees to my chest and hug them with my arms. Resting my cheek on them, I look sideways out of the window.

I feel William's hand cover mine and my body relaxes a little. It is these small gestures from him that help the most. He hasn't forced me to talk or anything, for which I'm thankful.

"Have you held her even once?" He asks, startling me.

I was about to say yes when I remembered that I hadn't. I had but that was a dream. Just a dream. A dream where I was a happy mother of two not a sad mother of one.

I shake my head in reply.

He sighs and brings the car to a stop at the side of the road. Once the car comes to a halt, he shifts in his seat so that he's facing me.

"William..." I start to speak, about to protest that we just get back but he holds up his hand making me fall silent.

He runs a hand through his hair. "Look, I just want you to hear me through without interrupting, alright?"

When I just keep looking at him, he sighs and adds. "Please."

I just nod my head, telling him to go on.

"Alright, here's the thing. I know what you're going through. Trust me I know because I'm going through it too. But what I also know is that what you're going through is a hundred times worse because you're the one who carried him around for nine months, not me."

"And now we don't have him with us. We don't have him but we do have a daughter. A beautiful daughter who doesn't deserve to get ignored and face the consequences of her brother's death."

He covers my hand with his and tugs on it making me look up from my lap.

"I'm trying." I whisper as tears come back into my eyes. "I'm trying, Will."

"How're you trying when you haven't even held her once? How? Just tell me?" He asks, looking at me still holding my hand.

I look away knowing that he's right. "I'm sorry." I cry out, clutching my heart which is aching with pain beyond any I've ever felt. I bend over crying and in a few seconds I'm gasping for air. All I hear is William unstrapping his seatbelt and then I stumble over the center console onto his lap.