Broken Blue Balloons (Islamic Story) ON HOLD

Nineteen

Chapter 8

I walked home from school. It was cold, but I didn't bother to take my coat on. I let the wind flow through my body, letting it carry all the worries out of my body. At least, I wish it did. It was like the wind was only boosting the worries, boosting the hurt I felt. I thought back of what they said. Miscreation. Freak. Boring. I closed my eyes for a second and stopped with walking. My chest started to hurt and my hand went to the scar that I had on the middle of my chest. At these times it started to hurt. The doctor said that it will hurt when I had stress. I stopped by a bench, not being able to carry walking. I wish you died. I wish you died when I stabbed you. I closed my eyes, searching for something to help me to get to myself. But all I saw was black. Literally Black. His eyes that hold such an emotion that would make water freeze. That would make life end because death is much better. I heard a voice from beside me. I opened my eyes, looking to my side.

"Are you okay?" the old woman asked me. I looked her in the eyes, thinking of where I was. I looked around me, seeing that I was on a bench in the park near my house. I nodded, responding to the woman. She was wearing a scarf on her head, just like Seda always does.

"How old are you dear?" she asked me. My brow raised and I looked at her. It was such a unnecessary question and so random.

"Nineteen" I said, making it sound more like a question. She sat down beside me. Normally it would make me feel uncomfortable but that time it didn't. I looked in front of me, seeing a tree. What I wouldn't give to become a tree. I shook my head. That was not what I wanted. I would never want that.

"I can see that you are having a trouble, that you are fighting something. Have you ever made the people who are hurting you clear that you are hurt by them?" she asked me. I thought of it. I was never showing any hurt nor any emotion when they were at it again. I shrugged it off, feeling the pain later. I shook my head.

"Go tell them. Make it clear. You have fought pain for so long, it's time to speak now" she said. I looked her in the eyes, but she only smiled at me. I wanted to run away, run away as fast as I could. I thought of my project. I thought of what I had to do. Maybe I wasn't going to work hard on it, or long. Maybe it was time. I grabbed my phone, starting to call my art teacher.

"I sat down behind the piano, coughing up some panic. I looked around, seeing the lights that were all around the room. I looked at the people sitting there. I felt like there were hundreds of them. Some had christmascaps on. The christmas tree was standing in the corner, shining the most. I shook my head a bit. I never understood the purpose of this holiday, but still, I needed it right now. I needed it to speak now.

"Someone told me that it was time. It was time because I had fought pain for so long. Hurt, the feeling I felt everyday. I thought it was normal, until last month. I thought being hurt the whole time was normal until this woman told me that it was not. So this one is because I've fought through pain, and paid my dues." I said, looking at the people that deserved this.

"I'm tired of playing the part of a little girl who can't use her heart. I'm broken, torn and scarred from all the poison you threw at us" I said, letting my fingers run on the piano. I never broke eye-contact. Not even for a second.

"But you won't know, cause you can't see the tattered child you've made of me" I said while thinking of my childhood. About how I was always second choice. About how I knew as a kid that I wasn't wanted.

"You'll follow me into my dreams and spit your words so desperately. I'll wash my hands of this tragic mess, but truth can't cure the blind, if they don't care to see" I said, remembering what I thought when I heard this for the first time.

"Nineteen years inside this flesh. I fought through pain, I paid my dues, but that's still not enough for you. So where do we go from here? You won't keep me trapped in my fears" I said, raising the corner of my lips in a sarcastic way.

"You're sinking in your selfishness. We're tainted by, words left unsaid" I started talking for the first time. I told them this for the first time. I told them what was flowing through my veins for the first time, even though I always acted like I didn't care. I always acted like I was stronger. But right now, I wasn't. I looked at them. They held no emotion, except for my mother. Black was just like a stone, not showing anything. I shook my head. It was no use, but I needed to let it out. The words would eat me if I didn't.

"Did you even notice look in my eyes? When I spoke of me for the very first time. And what have you been gone through when you were my age? Do you remember at all?" I said, changing the lyrics a bit. I was going back to when I first tried to tell them what my likings were. That I loved drawing. That I loved reading. They never understood me. That is why I stopped. I thought for a long time that I didn't have any likings, which made me feel useless. Do they remember that? Have they thought of that? Or were they too blind to see?

"Don't follow me into my dreams and spit your words so viciously" I said the last part very vicious. I didn't want them to know what I liked and who I was anymore. I didn't want anyone to know. I had dreams, dreams I didn't even dream of. Didn't even think of. It will get ruined. It will get ruined the moment I tell them, because they will follow me.

"I'll wash my hands, of this tragic mess. Truth can't cure the blind, yeah truth can't cure the blind. I wish you'd change your mind, but you don't care to see.." I finished it, looking away from them. I closed my eyes for a second. I saw Noah when I opened them. He had his arms crossed on his chest, looking deeply in my eyes. I looked away, ignoring the emotion he showed me. No one would change their mind and no one would care to see. Ever.

~~~~~

Random Fact: This song is by Alex G. I know you will be like 'music is haraam', which I don't disagree with. I just love reading lyrics because I like poetry and in a way lyrics are poetry. I did listen to this song a few months ago when I still struggled with listening to music. This girl is amazing and she is just a second Taylor Swift to me, which is huge because I used to be obsessed with Taylor's lyrics. This lyrics did fit in the story so well so I decided to use it, instead of writing one myself. Don't worry, her singing will backfire somewhere in the story.