At Midnight

Chapter 37

Dear Ashton,

The day has come.

I can physically feel my limbs being pulled apart and I'm aching. It hurts so much writing this and I can't stop crying. There's so many things I want to say but don't know how to.

First of all, I'd like to apologize to you sincerely for everything. I'm sorry I've been ignoring you the past week but after reading this letter, you'll know the reason why. I know, it was selfish of me but removing you from my life was what I needed to do.

I know this isn't much and I should've done more. You deserve more than just this. But I know that I'd change my mind if I saw you again. I'm especially sorry for the hurting you, in the past, now, and in the future.

I also really want to thank you for this amazing friendship this past year and the spontaneous moments we've had. I'll never forget them. I really appreciate it and I'm eternally grateful for it. You were my first real friend and you'll always be my friend. You didn't care what people thought of you when you befriended me. Not only did you stick by me through thick and thin, but you also saw my darkest sides and didn't leave.

Thank you for not leaving even though I pushed you away countless of times, over and over again. You were really there for me. I'm sorry I can't do the same.

I don't want you to feel guilty or blame yourself that maybe if you had done something then this wouldn't have happened because I can tell you that I've planned this for a long time even before I had met you. It's not your fault at all. It's not anyone's fault.

In fact, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. I delayed this for a year because after you became my friend, I enjoyed myself so much. I had the most fun I've had in years. But I can't take it anymore.

Yes, you gave me so much hope. But shit happened. I was partly the cause of my cousin's death that tore my uncle and his family apart. I still hold myself accountable even though it was an accident. Maddy meant the world to me and so did Uncle Charlie. And watching her go and seeing him upset made me hate myself even more. A huge part of me still thinks that if I hadn't taken her to the zoo that day, the car wouldn't have hit us and she'd still be alive. She'd be able graduate, get married and have kids – something none of us got to witness.

I'm an outcast everywhere I go because people either see me as worthless or hateful. They call me a freak because they don't understand and they don't want to understand. I've never really fitted in anywhere. Being in school was hell for me. I didn't have any friends and it made me question my sanity. I tried hard to fit in but no one liked me and they wouldn't tell me why. I did get used to it in the end but it still hurt.

My family messed me up big time. I didn't receive the love a child should have received when I was growing up. My mum didn't have time for me at all because she had to work all the time in order to support the both of us. My dad left us when I was barely two years old and refused to speak to us until recently. I was left to take care of myself most of the time and that was one of the things that scared me too.

We made up and it was something I wanted to do for us before I left. And I love them so much. I'm fully aware that this isn't fair to them, or to anyone, for that matter. It would break their hearts. Sure, there were times when I felt happy this past year but the bad things outweigh the good by a huge margin. And like I've said, there's no going back once you've decided.

My depression drove me crazy and I started hearing voices. It isn't a phase and it's not a feeling that comes and goes. It wouldn't go away and I tried killing myself three times but failed. It made me feel even more useless than I already did. I hurt more people like that. I couldn't even get through a day without feeling sad. I didn't have any motivation to get out of bed and it only worsened as the days went by.