At Midnight

Chapter 23

I woke up to the sounds of glass shattering and shouting.

My eyes widened and I shot up from my position. All the grogginess from before disappeared in an instant and I felt an overwhelming wave of panic wash over me.

It was coming from the kitchen. I bolted downstairs and sat on the stairs, with the bookshelf covering me, and I peered at the living room. It was empty. I was ready to press the speed dial to alert the police that someone might have broken in but then, a figure appeared, walking briskly away from something. She was furious and seething with anger.

What was my mother doing back home? She was supposed to be in a business meeting in New York. And she would've told me if she was coming home early. Or at least her assistant would.

Another figure approached behind her and grabbed her wrist. She winced in pain and he loosened his grip on her, noticing the face that she made. She was a strong and persistent woman and she could fend for herself. But I wanted to knee that guy so badly. However, I knew that my mother didn't like it when I interfered in situations until I knew what was happening exactly so I stayed quiet and watched from the steps, ready to make a move if he dared touch a strand of hair on her.

" Let go, Edward." My mother said in a dangerously low turn, glaring at the man. He looked about her age but a little bit older. He was wearing some business attire and he had brown hair.

" Nina, just listen." The man pleaded but my mother didn't budge.

I couldn't watch any longer. I ran downstairs and into the living room. " What's going on?" I asked, confused and angry.

Their heads turned towards me, and my mother's eyes softened, and something overcame her. Dread and pain. I knew that something was wrong by the way she looked at me and it was more than just about the stranger harassing my mum in my our house. It had to be about me too.

My breath hitched. Did they know about the hospital? They wouldn't. I had made Uncle Charlie and Dr Martin promise that they wouldn't tell a single soul about any of it. And so far, they were true to their words. Unless. But Brenda was a factor I hadn't considered. Maybe she was the one that told my mum. But it was confidential so she wouldn't have. I counted the possibilities in my head and rationalized them. No, all three of them wouldn't have uttered a word about the incident without my permission.

I glanced at the stranger again and his eyes were full of sorrow and longing. Longing? I had never met him before. I scrutinized him again and then it hit me hard. We had the same brown hair, the same green eyes and the same sharp chin.

" Mia." He said softly, finally letting go of my mother's wrist. She stared at me and I couldn't read her expression. I didn't want to. The man approached me and I back away immediately. " No! Don't come near me!" I shouted and flew up to my room, locking the door shut.

I sat against the door and leaned my head back. I could hear the shouting resume with my mother mostly cursing at him and him begging her to hear him out but she was stubborn. Hot tears streamed down my cheeks and I hated myself for being so weak. I grabbed a pillow that had been lying on the floor and screamed into it for what seemed like hours.

I just wanted to run away and never look back. I just wanted everything to end. And by the time I was done, my voice was hoarse and it hurt. But not as much as him. There was still yelling and arguments downstairs and I covered my ears with my hands, pressing harder and trying to block out the sound and trying to block everything. As if screaming my lungs out and covering my ears would send me into oblivion.

My life was fucked up enough and he decided to show up, of all things it had to be him. I had too many things to handle and then he shows up. I was angry and confused and sad and disappointed and betrayed and hurt and so many other emotions threatened to consume me. I didn't know what to feel anymore. How was I supposed to feel about it?

When the screaming stopped, following by the slamming of a door, I rested my hands in my lap. The back of my ears stung and I looked at my fingernails that were dirtied with blood.

There was a soft knock on my door followed by a voice, calling my name. It sounded so sweet and warm. So welcoming and inviting but I knew better than to fall for that trap again.

" Go away." I said but it came out as a sniffle. Great, another give away that I wasn't strong enough.

" Mia, please." The voice called out and I had enough.

I stood up and opened the door but I didn't let him inside so he just stood by the doorway. My face was stained with tears and my eyes were red due to all the crying. He noticed it and he looked almost upset. But I didn't know what was real anymore.

" Mia, I'm sorry." He said, his face contorted in pain and before he could say another sentence I cut him off with a snort.

" Sorry? Is that all you have to say? You ruined me. And mum. And if you think a simple apology is going to fix that, then you're fucking wrong. You can't just leave us whenever you like and show up again, popping up from God knows where when you feel like it! " I yelled in his face and slammed the door, sinking to the floor and crying again.

I felt horrible for treating the guy like that. Without him, there I wouldn't even exist. I would just be some cell or microscopic species floating around in space or something. But then again, I have never asked to be born.

I could never forgive him for what he had done and for the hell he put my mother and I through. Even if he came back here to mend things, it wouldn't be the same again. He was never there for me and I wasn't going to give him an opportunity to prove himself. I didn't hate him but I had for a long time when I finally understood what had happened and when my mother announced that she had divorced him, hiding back her tears with a smile on her face. He had ruined me. His actions caused other things to happened and all of that added up together fucked us up pretty bad.

It's the snowball effect; I could imagine Dr Martin telling me.

" I'm sorry." I said and buried my head into my hands, chanting it over and over again.

I glanced down at the dove tattoo on my ankle and I laughed coldly. Freedom? That'll never happen. I was just torturing myself. And call me a masochist or whatever but at least it kept me distracted despite it being only temporary.

I felt the familiar feeling of my heart beating rapidly and the wind was knocked out of my lungs. The walls were closing in on me again. I quickly got up and rummaged through my drawers until my fingers felt the familiar roughness of the long object. I pulled it out and sat on my bed, staring at nothing and tying the rope and untying it continuously. I had done it so many times I didn't even need to see it to tie a perfect noose. It helped me relaxed a little as I tried to regain my breathing.

Panic attacks were the worst. You wouldn't know when they'd come and how long it would take until they would leave. It was unexpected and sometimes it was hard to decipher what was the cause of it. I loathed it. Sometimes it lasted for hours and by the time I had managed to calm the voices in my head, I would be physically and mentally drained, sucked of all motivation and energy in my entire body.

The rope was long enough and I could do it. But I didn't like the idea of anyone coming home and finding myself strung up and hanging from the ceiling. It would scar that poor thing and when I leave, I had no intention whatsoever to hurt more people than I already have.

So I just played with it, practicing the knot I knew how to tie so well. As wicked as it might sound, it calmed me down a little and soon, my heart rate was returning back to normal. My muscles still ached but at least my lungs didn't feel like they were being squeezed.

I must've fiddled with it for a couple of hours because my skin was raw from the friction and parts of my fingertips were cut and bleeding. The blood dripped from my fingers and my white bed sheet was stained with drops of red. I stared at my ugly hands for a while before tying and untying it again.