At Midnight

Chapter 32

When you were growing up, adults would constantly remind you that alcohol, cigarettes and drugs were bad for you. You were warned that gambling would ruin a family; that getting into trouble with the law would ruin your future and reputation. But they never warned you that people could ruin you too.

Once they get close to you, you start trusting them, letting them in and telling them your deepest and darkest secrets. And then, they realized that you weren't the person they wanted you to be. Either they get scared or get tired of you, found someone new I suppose. And you're back to being strangers again. Ignored as if those late night calls never meant anything to them at all.

People hurt you and then they destroy you.

The first person who left me was my dad. My dad left my mum and I when I was one and there was no news of him ever since, until recently. There was no father figure in the household so I had developed a fear towards men as I grew up. I never felt safe around them and the slightest touch on my arm would make me flinch.

I wasn't the most popular kid in elementary school considering the fact that I wasn't blonde and that I hated the color pink, but I had a few good friends by my side.

Years went by and nothing changed. Things were hard for me but I tried my best to cope with the bullshit I was facing and yes, there were times I laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks and when I was genuinely happy. However, those were rare occasions.

My mum and I weren't close to any of the other relatives and since she was hardly around, struggling with the hectic load that her job had to offer, and Uncle Charlie and his family visited me whenever they could. His only daughter, Maddy, and I were extremely close. She was like a sister I never had.

And then, everything changed in that split second.

I had taken Maddy out to the zoo on her sixth birthday. We were on the way home and I recalled her sitting in the passenger seat, rambling on about how much she loved the animals, licking on the soft cone I had bought her, careful not to dirty her favorite dress.

I still vividly remember how it all happened - the car ahead of us, swirling across the slippery road, its doors colliding with hood of Mum's new Volvo.

I heard an ear-piercing scream and the next thing I knew, I was lying in the ICU with bruises, a fractured leg and broken ribcages. I had been unconscious upon waking up, the doctors delivered terrible news. Maddy was brain dead all because of that stupid drunk driver.

After that incident, Uncle Charlie and his wife got into fights and eventually divorced. He started a new family and had a new baby boy. As for the rest of the family, we grew apart even more.

My friends tried comforting me and they were extremely supportive but I pushed them away and distanced myself. We drifted apart and I terminated any form of communication between us. It wasn't fair or me but I wasn't willing to let them see me like that and they deserved so much more.

My anxiety gotten worse and I started to have more frequent panic attacks. I had no idea how to control any of them. There was an abiding sadness that loomed over me. It was as if a dark cloud was following me wherever I went. It got to a point when it was too overwhelming and I tried taking my life twice.

Uncle Charlie was the one who found me at home lying on the floor with a bottle of pills in my hand and rushed me to the hospital. Unfortunately, I was alive and I was sent to therapy. I begged him to keep it a secret from my mother and he did. I tried to kill myself again a few months later. It's like some hideous trick of fate.

Uncle Charlie persuaded my mother to transfer me to another school because he thought that I needed a fresh start. But of course, his brilliant idea didn't work out as he had planned.