At Midnight

Chapter 21

I stared at him blankly.

I didn't know what to feel – my emotions were all jumbled up. But I knew that I was definitely angry. Definitely. Maybe a tight slap in the face would wake him up.

" You're kidding me." I deadpanned.

He shook his head and remained silent. When I didn't answer or give him any response, he looked up and probed me, telling me how effective and helpful it would be to treat my 'condition'.

" You're demented." I spat out and he sighed deeply. I didn't mean what I said but I was so angry I forgot to filter out those harsh words. Uncle Charlie was having a hard enough life and the last item he needed to add on his My-Life's-Fucked-Up list was a stubborn eighteen-year old niece who insulted him at every opportunity she got, which was very, very often.

" Think about it. It'll be fun, you can make new friends and talk..." Trailing off because there were more downsides than upsides. Everyone knew that, they didn't even have to read those stupid leaflets to know.

" I sure as hell am not going to fucking support group!" I yelled at him after running out of patience.

He looked at me sadly, which was the only way he looked at me nowadays. Uncle Charlie had been staying with me for the past few weeks to take care of me because he thought that I was unstable as a grenade. Since he was used to my unexpected mood swings and me constantly screaming in his face to fuck off, he took my little outburst pretty well.

Although I did feel guilty about making him have the urge come all the way to San Francisco to take care of me for the time being. He shouldn't have such a responsibility especially since he had a family of his own to support back in Orlando. He didn't deserve my shit of an attitude and I felt terrible for not being able to control my emotions. I knew he understood which was why he was being extremely patient with me but I couldn't express how sorry I was.

He sighed as he got up from his stool and slid the plate of scrambled eggs across the kitchen counter, making sure it was right in front of me. " You need to eat." He said before trudging back to his room, probably to scream in his pillow out in frustration. Well, no one said handling a mentally deranged teenager was easy.

I took the plate and threw the food into the bin before stalking up to my room and breaking the no-smoking-in-the-house newly imposed rule that Uncle Charlie had set the minute he stepped into the house with a luggage in his hand and a briefcase in the other.

It's my house anyway. I thought as I puffed the cigarette while sitting on the window ledge and staring out at the empty streets. The naked trees lined the narrow roads and it looked magical in a way. It was only ten in the morning and usually, I'd be awake at only two in the afternoon but Uncle Charlie had insisted that I could 'get back on track' by waking up earlier so that I had a healthier lifestyle, claiming that my body clock was screwed. Well, my whole head is screwed.

The only good thing about the entire situation was that school was out and I didn't have to deal with explaining to any authorities why I hadn't been in school for an entire week.

Support group. Those two words itself gave me the hives and I shivered at the thought of being surrounded by strangers resembling zombies in an enclosed and stuffy room with no windows and listening to monotonous voices telling their dull, uninteresting stories and being forced to take part in meaningless and non-beneficial conversations. At the end of the day, everyone there would still feel like shit.

He thought that I was loosing it and that I was delusional, just a soulless life form walking around and doing things for the sake of it. But there was nothing wrong with that. You can't keep holding onto someone who was ready to leave.

Flicking the unfinished cigarette on the ground which dirtied the white carpet I liked so much with black spots scattered here and there, I sneaked downstairs quietly and after ensuring that he had already left the house to go for a jog, I drove to the one place that made me feel safe.

I guessed I've never really told anyone but the reason why I was so obsessed with that hill aka my secret hideout, although not so secret anymore since Ashton knew, was not only because of the quietness and the scenery, but also because I felt like I was sane enough to think.

Looking over the huge plot of land made me feel like I was already in heaven even though I was sure that a terrible person like me would never get there. It was completely impossible. It also made me feel like I was detached from the world, just wondering around and merely observing everything wrong with the planet and humans. Like I was in an alternative universe.

Being in a place that felt empty gave me some sort of comfort –that the empty void I experienced twenty-four seven was something normal.

The twigs snapped beneath my feet as I made my way to the unoccupied bench and sat on it, feeling the coldness of winter as a shiver ran down my spine. I lit another cigarette as I stared at the horizon.

Overthinking was deadly. But that was what I did anyway, lighting cigarette after cigarette. And soon enough, the pack was empty and I fumbled my pockets for a new packet but there had been too many things on my mind and I had left it at home. I let out a low groan and threw the empty box on the ground. It landed and the specks of soil could be seen floating around before it fell back to the dirt; every time you rise, you'd fall.

I curled into a tiny ball and brought my legs to my chest, resting my throbbing head on my fat hands. I wanted to cry but no matter how hard I squeezed my eyes shut as I thought about everything that had happened, no tears. Maybe all my tears had been used up.

I needed a break. A break from school, a break from the regular visits to both Dr Martin and Brenda, a break from Uncle Charlie. A break from life. I didn't ask for much and I wouldn't. But, ruler of the universe or the O' Supreme One or whatever, just give me a break. That was all I was asking for. A break.

Then, I caught myself wondering how everything would be if I had never been born. It would be great wouldn't it? Mum wouldn't have to work so hard and maybe Edward would still be with her. They'd have a happy marriage with no weight tying them down.

Uncle Charlie would still have Maddy who would be dancing around and doing those complicated ballet moves she had loved to do in the backyard, curtseying at the end of her spectacular performance. I bet that she would have been the best ballerina if she were still alive.

Ashton and Javier would probably be with a better friend that I'll ever be. Dr Martin and Brenda could see patients that actually deserved a shot in life.

The list could go on and on but my mind was going through them way too fast for me to grasp some of them.

I looked at the hill and analyzed it. It would be so easy and I could just make it seem like I accidentally fell. A piece of cake.

I was a few inches before tumbling to my doom when an arm grabbed my wrist tightly and I spun around. " Mia, are you...I heard shouting." Ashton stared at me with worrying eyes, searching my face.

Even the person with the lowest IQ in the entire world could tell that that wasn't the only reason why he was so concerned as I saw his eyes darted from the edge behind me to my face continuously.

" Dude, don't worry I'm fine. Jesus, how many times must I tell you that?" Rubbing my sore wrist, I punched him in the arm jokingly although I could feel my stomach churn.

There went my chance.

He sat beside me on the still cold bench. Heat radiated from his body and I felt a little warmer despite the bitter wind biting at my skin. I didn't say anything and neither did he. I knew that he was thinking of what to say next. He fiddled with his fingers as he contemplated whether or not he should ask me why I was walking towards the edge although it was pretty clear what I was going to do before he had gotten in the way.

" I see I've rubbed off on you." I said in hopes of easing the heavy tension as I pointed at him playing with his fingers, which was what I always, did that when I was nervous.

" You have no idea how much of an impact you make to everyone." He said with a sad smile.