At Midnight

Chapter 28

This is it.

There is no looking back. This is it. You can do this. You can do this. You can do this. Come on, Mia. You wanted out and this is your chance to finally get what you've always wished for.

I walked forward slowly, trying to steady my wobbling legs as I approached the edge of the hill and looked down. The menacing rocks pocked out from nowhere and their ends were jagged. One more step and I would be sent tumbling to my doom.

I wondered what was in store for me after falling 600 meters and landing flat on the ground. Instant death. And what would be after that? I didn't know but I would find out sooner or later anyway.

I closed my eyes as I took deep breaths in, an extremely poor attempt to calm my pulsing heartbeat and my throbbing head. Thoughts and memories raced through my mind and I clenched my fist tightly, bracing myself. I could feel warm liquid seeping into my fingernails as I pressed my nails hardly into the palms of my hands.

It was going to be the end for me and I had waited for that moment for such a long time. It didn't get better in time like how they always told me. I couldn't pull it together or pick myself up. To others, I wasn't strong enough. But they didn't know how it felt and how real it was.

The letters and notes were all in my room, neatly spread out on my bedspread. It would be easier for my family members (only my mum and Uncle Charlie) and Ashton and Javier to find them that way and I even wrote their names on each of the envelopes. It was quite pathetic really – I only cared about four people who wouldn't genuinely give a shit about me if I were to disappear one day. It was in their job description to care. They were obliged to.

I had nothing to loose. Everything was planned out perfectly and there would be no setbacks this time round. It doesn't get better in time and I was at the end of the rope.

I felt hot tears streaming down my face as I opened my eyes. More than an inch of my feet were already over the edge. I closed my eyes again. Sucking in a deep breath, I stretched out my arms and leaned forward, letting gravity pull me down.

Goodbye for real.

And I let go.

I felt myself fall and gravity was pulling me down. The wind was knocked out of my lungs and it felt so surreal. But instead of falling forward, I fell backwards and landed on something hard. Dirt.

My eyes shot open immediately and a familiar face was staring down onto mine. I was lying on a pile of leaves. I was still on the cliff. I was still alive.

My vision blurred as I pushed the figure off of me. Anger pulsed through my veins and I scrambled up from my position immediately. I ran to the edge again but two strong arms grabbed me by the waist and I was hoisted off the ground. I tried to break free from my captor's hold but I couldn't. I yelled at the top of my lungs hysterically and punched those arms that held me hostage, swinging and kicking my legs violently.

" I can fly! I can fly!" I shrieked frantically, repeating that phrase over and over again like a broken record.

I was then set down on a bench and he kneeled in front of me. I brought my knees up to my chest and hugged them tightly, refusing to meet his gaze. He took my hands and rubbed small circles on them gently. He cleared his throat but his voice still trembled when he spoke.

" Don't ever do that again. Don't, okay?" His voice shook and his tear-stricken face darkened.

I had stopped crying by then. I stared past him, at nothing, really. I just stared into oblivion and I could feel the walls closing in on me, the bricks disintegrating and debris hitting me in all directions. It felt as if the ground beneath me was crumbling like my entire world. I was so tired of being on the edge constantly.

I couldn't gather my thoughts and they were jumbled up in a mess. Suddenly, I felt faint and weak – like a vase cracking under intense heating. My body ached and my palms stung from the imprints of my nails and the injuries I had inflicted upon myself.

" Come on, let's take you home." Ashton said despondently as he scooped me up and carried me on his back. He unlocked the doors to his car and placed me on the passenger seat, fastening the seat belt for me too. I looked at him blankly before he shut the door and got into the driver's seat. I never cared about wearing seatbelts.

The ride home was eerily silent but I didn't care. I needed the peace and quiet to think and I appreciated his efforts to keep silent even though I knew he was burning with questions. I was so overwhelmed with all those different emotions.

Once we reached my house, he carried me to the bathroom and undressed me carefully, avoiding touching any of my scars and burns on my body. I kept a straight face and let him do whatever he wanted with me despite the fact that I was screaming on the inside, so pent up with anger and disappointment and dejection.

When he was done removing my dirty clothing, he threw them on the floor and carried me into the bathtub. I tried to ignore the fact that I was naked and exposed and that he could see all my past mistakes engraved on my skin. It was easy, especially when you have got a lot on your mind.

I sat on the bathtub and stared at nothing in particular. He turned the tap on and made sure it wasn't too hot or too cold before using the showerhead to rinse my body. He lathered my hair with shampoo and gently scrubbed my curled up body with soap, careful not to touch my scars, most of which were fresh or badly wounded. After he was done, he grabbed a towel and helped me to stand up from my position. I sat on the end of my bed as he dried me and dressed me in an oversized shirt and sweatpants.

I felt guilty that he was doing all the work (stuff that I was supposed to do by myself, see, I couldn't even do the fundamental and basic things properly) but I didn't say anything to him throughout the entire thing and neither did he. He sat beside me after he was finished and played with his fingers. He stared at them and I knew he was trying to think of what to say.

I saw the letters scattered on the floor and one of the envelopes was torn open, from the corner of my eye. I knew that he wasn't going to ask me why I wanted to do it since I had practically told him everything, literally everything, in that letter I had left for him. I had even described what I was going to do to end it and how I had felt all that while. He was the only one whom I wanted to tell all of that to. I figured that someone should know why but I just couldn't pint point why I wanted him to be that person to take on the burden.

I knew I should've broken off all my ties with all of the people I loved. Even though they'd get hurt, they wouldn't get hurt as much when I decide to leave. Maybe that was a factor that I hadn't really thought through. I had been too caught up in my own world. And now I was back to square one.

" I'll let you get some rest first. We'll talk about it later, all right? I'll be downstairs if you need me." Ashton said softly and I nodded my head. He stood up and left the room. Before he closed the door, he looked at me solemnly. " I love you, you know." He whispered and shut the door behind him gently, leaving me all alone in the empty room.

He knew what I was going to do. He knew what I needed to do. I hated to prove him wrong but I was emotionally and physically drained and exhausted. I curled up in between the sheets and cried. I cried softly and in no time, my pillow was stained with tears. And soon enough, I was shouting into my pillow, careful to not let him hear. I didn't want him to be worried more than he already was.

I took the rope from my drawer and played with it, untying it and tying it again. But it didn't calm my nerves and my body shook with anxiety. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore and at some point, I dozed off.