You Light Up My Life

Hurting

I woke up with the sound of someone moaning from the other room. I just ignored it when I heard it first but when it got louder and louder, I cannot stand it anymore. I walked out from my door and went to Kibum's room. I opened it and I was surprised when I saw Kibum over the guy who named Jinki. I never really thought that they are having sex because I thought that Kibum was just watching some gay porn because he's not the one, moaning. But when I saw them, I was really hurt. Totally hurt. He looked at me with smirk on his face and I closed the door. 

I ran back to my room and picked up my phone and my wallet. I dialled Taemin's number because I don't know anyone here in New York. Since Taemin and I usually see each other in the restaurant he's working at, I didn't need to call him or text him. He still don't know my number. Taemin picked up and I was surprised since he doesn't sound like he's sleepy like a normal people usually sounds like when they heard the phone rang in the middle of the night. "Who is this?" Taemin asked. "It's me, Jonghyun. Can we meet?" I said. "Why hyung? Is there something wrong?" He asked me worriedly. "I need to talk to you about something." I replied. "Okay, let's meet at the park." He said and hang up. I walked outside of the house trying to clear up my mind. I know that I don't have the right but what will I do if I'm hurting? 

I thought of my good memories between me and Kibum. I miss those old times where we are just little. Together, we made happy memories and now all of them were vanished because of me. I made all of these. If I didn't try to forget Kibum, he will treat me the same like before. 

When I reached the park, I sat down on the swing. I played there so that I can clear all the sad events happened to me last week. Both of my bestfriends hurt me. I felt like I don't want to live anymore. I'm alone. Alone in this dark world that I had never been before. 

The most difficult thing for me here is that everybody betrayed me. Everybody made me look like a fool. Looked like stupid and was completely ignorant. So many nights I told God that I wished to see Kibum again. I wished that I could hug him, kiss him and touch him but now, I felt like I want to forget him totally. Before, I felt so guilty about trying to forget him but now, I felt so guilty to myself that I'm actually hurting because of my love for him. Why am I so martyr? He told me to back off but why am I still living in their house? I felt tears falling down from my eyes. Tears that I held back for three days after I decide to help Kibum. Tears that fell from my eyes because of Kibum. 

"Hyung?" Taemin called as he touched my shoulder. "Are you okay?" He continued. I didn't spoke up instead, I stood up and hugged him. I hugged him tight to feel warmth, to feel comfort. "Hyung.. Just let it out." He whispered to my ears. I'm really thankful that Taemin is here to console me. He let me feel like I'm not alone anymore. 

As I stopped crying, he guided me to the swing so that I could sit. "So, hyung.. what happened?" He asked while walking to the other swing. "I.. I felt like.. I felt like giving up." I said between those sobs. "Hyung.. don't do that." He said with worried face. "I told you, hyung.. Key hyung needs you." He continued. 

"I know that Kibum needs me but how about me? How about my feelings? Taemin, I'm hurting. Everytime that I'm near Kibum, he let me feel like shit. Whenever he's with your brother, I'm hurting. Early this night, I saw both of them having sex inside Kibum's room. I felt my heart being stabbed by thousands of knives. Taemin, I really don't know what to do. I felt like... I felt like I wanted to die." 

"No, hyung. Don't do that!" 

"I don't have importance to him anymore." 

"Hyung.. Please? Just for me, don't." I nodded then I bowed my head.

"Don't say that you're useless.. You're here becuase you have a mission." Taemin said and I lifted my head. 

"What do you mean?" 

"Hyung, you told me that you came here in New York to prove to him that you really love him. I know you tried and somehow it didn't work but please, don't stop. I know Key hyung is just being so stubborn because he felt something. He felt something from you. Like what I've told you, Key hyung is just using my brother. For what? For gaining your attention. For you to be jealous. Hyung, he loves you. He just doesn't show it since you know, he has pride. He's a diva." 

Sad to say but this kid is right. Why should I give up just because he's just having sex with someone? He's like me, trying to have sex with someone so that I could forget about him. I hurt him before and that's why he's acting like this. He's acting like he doesn't care. I will not give up. I will never give up. I will show him, I will show him how truly in love I am to him.