Words of a Bully

Friday, October 11th

I didn't write yesterday, but trust me there's a good reason. No I didn't get bored of writing, I'm not going to make the excuse that I didn't have time, or that I couldn't find my journal. My grandmother died. She wasn't even that old for a grandma. She was only 57. Her funeral is on Tuesday. I probably won't write then either. 

Yesterday seemed to happen so fast. I was at her house when it happened. My parents and Grandma were sitting at the table eating their dinner, which I particularly didn't care for. We had roast every time we went to her house. I was standing beside the table leaning against her refridgerator when suddenly she doubled over screaming. I got scared. 

My dad jumped up and started calling 911 while my mom rushed to her side. She was patting her back. We thought she was choking, until she started yelling about her chest. She was having a heart attack. The rest was a blur. The paramedics came and treid CPR but it was no use. My grandmother was dead. 

Today was awful. I went to school and I told my friends, and Justin didn't even care. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, "It happens." 

I couldn't hold back the tears. I didn't say anything, but I felt my face getting hot with anger and sadness, and my lower lip quiver. Justin had been my closest friend for forever, and suddenly he was a thousand miles away from me. Those words were spat at me and covered in thick layers of hate, I could feel them being thrown my way, and I did not like it. 

Suddenly I felt sick to my stomach. I ran into the bathroom. Class hadn't started yet, and most people weren't even at school. Nobody was in there as I slumped against a wall and let myself collapse to the floor. I pulled my knees up to my chest and started sobbing. 

I did not scream. I did not wail. It was all contained to sharp breaths and hiccups, and shaking shoulders. I didn't stop crying until I heard footsteps. I raised my head to see who ws there, and it was Alex, on her knees in front of me. I didn't expect her to be at eye level with me and I jump a little. She runs her hand up my arm. 

"What's wrong?" her voice contains concern, and I notice that she's staring at me with eyes full of sympathy. 

I shake my head. I don't want to tell her. She's partly the cause of Justin being mad at me. I want to tell myself that, but I know that it isn't true. He is mad at me for what I said and did yesterday, not any other reason. 

She looks at me with those big eyes of her, as if trying to pry the answer out of me. I decide to let her. 

"My grandma died...Justin doesn't care." 

Her eyes got wide and she wrapped her arms around me in an embrace that I wasn't prepared for. 

"I'm sorry I hit you yesterday." 

She pulls away for a second. "Don't worry about it." 

When I stand and look in the mirror, my hair's a mess. I pull a brush out of my book bag and rebrush it. My make up is running, eyeliner and mascara falling in big drips down my cheeks mixed with my tears. As I put my brush away, Alex hands me paper towels to wipe the make up and tears off my face. 

She stays with me until I'm all cleaned up. She hugs me again and I supress a small smile. I'm greatful for the support from her. How did I hate her?

She looks at pats me on the shoulder. "I'll talk to Justin, okay?" 

That's how. I'm jealous.