Words of a Bully

Saturday, November 15th

It was definitely an eventful day. My parents went out to go shopping, so when Justin came over, we were alone. At first, it was like we were avoiding the obvious problem. We just asked how each other were, sat and watched television. It made me immensely uncomfortable. 

Finally, finally, Justin reached over and turned down the tv. His eyes were wide. Almost crazy. They were definitely hurt. 

"Cassandra..." his voice was broken, as if he were about to cry. I bit my lip and cast my eyes to the ground. I was flooded with guilt. It was all I could do not to hug him and sob into his shoulder. This was my fault. All my fault. It is my fault that my best friend is hurt. 

He brought his arms around his chest, hugging himself. I had never seen him like this before. 

"I know," I whispered. 

I did know. I knew what I had done and the consequences for my action were now dangling in front of me, taunting me. I saw him start to shake. 

"She never...she never told me." He sounded so hurt. I felt terrible. I reached out and touched his shoulder. 

"I know...I-I know. Maybe she was scared that you would freak out, get jealous." 

What he said next contained fire, a passionate tone. His eyes, however, did not reflect that at all. They ad become glazed over. Dull. Dead. 

"Jealous? Of course I'm jealous. At least, I was. Now...I don't...care." 

I should have been happy. At least, "Plan Me" should have been happy. This was what I wanted wasn't it? Things were going good. Wasn't one step of the plan to swoop in and be the shoulder to cry on? Well, here I was, a shoulder, and here he was, crying. What I had forgotten to factor in, was that, I had never seen Justin this upset. 

And to hear that he didn't care? That's even worse. That's a sign of...depression. I've never dealt with something like that before. Ever. 

"Justin..." I didn't know what else to say. I let my voice trail off. I just didn't know. 

"I mean, she was supposed to trust me, you know?" It was like he was on the edge of a cliff, dangling a foot over, ready to jump.  It hurt to watch, but I did. I watched him rant. Dangle over the edge. 

"I don't understand. She was great. She was pretty, and funny, and smart. There were times when she could be so annoying. But...I loved it. I loved her."

It was like I had been stabbed. Then, I had to remind myself, that my feelings didn't matter at this point. At this point I am a derranged sociopath with no right to be happy. 

I nodded, reassuring Justin to go on. 

"She was perfect. Perfectly imperfect. She was so real. I ca-can't believe...she didn't feel the same way about me. I talked to her...last-last night. Did you know that she's moving next week? She...doesn't...she doesn't want to do the long distance thing, Cassie. She says that we aren't meant to be together. That we had fun, but the fact that I snapped over something so tiny and ridiculous was the ending point. We're over. It's over." 

And here he was, jumping off of the edge.

He broke. He cried. It wasn't loud sobbing. It wasn't hysterical. It was Justin, silently sobbing, tears dripping from his eyes, rolling down his cheeks. I moved closer, putting an arm around him to comfort him. He literally cried into my shoulder. 

I hated it. I hated seeing him like that. If seeing him happy with someone else was a knife in the back, this one was a knife in the throat, where I could taste the metal, ripping apart at my emotions. 

I deserved it. I deserved to be the one sobbing. He wasn't supposed to be so upset. All because of my silly crush, and actions going too far, Justin was broken, hurt. 

After he stopped crying. He sat there, just hugging me. 

"I don't need her..." he muttered. "Cassie, I have you. You're...you're an amazing friend. Thank you...so- so much. I really do love you. Thanks for always being there for me." 

The lump in my throat was near impossible to swallow when I answered him. 

"I love you too, Justin."

If only he knew how much I loved him. I was willing to hurt him to get him. 

Well here I have him. 

We watched Disney movies all afternoon. Mulaun. The Lion King and part of Alice and Wonderland. 

Justin stayed for dinner. I hate to say it, but I had fun. Not holding him, crying, but sitting there, acting like friends. He seemed okay after that. 

When he decided to leave, I walked him home. It was around 5:30. My parents were back. We walked, talking. Not once did we mention Alex. It was all about the movies. Mulaun in particular. 

"No, seriously!" he laughed. "She was so lucky she was flat chested, or else the movie would have been over from the get-go." 

"That is such a weird way of putting it!" I was giggling uncontrollably. 

I had a good time. I think he did too. When we got to his house, he hugged me tightly. 

"Thank you...so much," he whispered into my hair. 

I nodded, the guilt punching me in the gut. 

"You okay?" I mumbled into his chest. 

He nodded. 

He held me at arms legnth for a second, and then kissed my forehead. 

"Goodnight, Cassie." 

"Goodnight, Justin." 

Well now I'm dangling at an edge, guilt, grabbing at me, pushing, trying to force me to jump. 

Alex is leaving next week. She broke Justin's heart, without help from me. 

I'm not going to jump.