What Have I Done and What Am I Going to Do Now? (A teacher/student mishap)

Chapter 27: Truth or Devastation, Aren't They the Same Thing?

“Sexy boy, I thought you understood that what I wanted to talk to you about is serious. I can’t do it if you’re going to be acting like this.” I stated firmly and though I may have come off as a bitch to him, I need to toughen my skin in preparation for his reaction. I knew I was going to cry my eyes out, there was no doubt about that, but maybe if I made a strong start, I could hang on to the courage and determination I have now, for a little while longer.

I settled onto the bed beside him and turned to face him, sitting cross legged and awaiting his response. He rolled his eyes and huffed quietly and then turned to face me, meeting my gaze with sober and all consuming eyes. He motioned for me to get started so I took a deep breath to calm the nerves that were sparking like a live wire and began my solemn confession.

"I'm going to be completely honest with you and you’ll probably hate me, but I want you to hear me out before you pass any judgments okay?" I asked with a voice that was almost pleading. I did not want him to hate me. Maybe I was thinking too much about this. I knew him, I knew there was no way he would hate me, but a smaller part of my mind and a bigger part of my heart feared that I was just fooling myself for thinking everything would be alright when nothing seemed to work out for me lately.

"Fair enough, I think I can manage that." Nash replied easily, albeit hesitantly. He had no clue what was coming. He must have thought I just wanted to confront him with my suspicions about him being in love with me and how this would ruin our ‘friends with benefits’ relationship, but that was not the case at all. I had to get to the root of the problem and the root of the problem was my lies.

"Nash I... I know you think it's your fault that the baby died, but you can stop blaming yourself now because it's not your fault it's mine." I admitted sorrowfully, swallowing back the tension that rose in my throat.

"Baby, if I hadn't gotten into that fight with your father, then you wouldn't have gotten hurt trying to stop it. How is that your fault?" He asked with a pained expression and an even more intensely agonizing look in his eyes. I knew he had beaten himself up over this for years, and it was wrong of me to let him believe that he was the cause of it, just to save myself from misery.

"That’s not why the baby died. You didn’t do anything wrong Nash, please believe that. I... I have a heart condition. My case is mild, but when I get panic attacks, it brings on an episode and triggers and unstable heartbeat." I explained slowly and his face showed no expression other than utter confusion and concern.

"How bad is it?" He asked with trepidation. His tone was low and his voice was shaky. Perhaps he feared the answer or perhaps he had a good idea of what I was going to say.