When the Clock Strikes|Pi Han Ul x Reader|

(S02) Chapter 39

Not with my hands. But with my heart.

I chose Han Wool.

I smiled.

I thought-for once-I could be selfish and happy at the same time.

And then-

And then Ha-Ya ended up in the river.

And now I'm in this hospital acting like I can fix things. Acting like I can make people live. As if I didn't destroy one of the brightest souls I ever knew.

I wheel the cart down the hall. Head toward another surgery.

This time a child.

Eight years old.

I meet his mother's eyes and smile as I prep.

Fake. Always fake. But kind.

The way Ha-Ya used to say mine was too soft. The way she teased me about it even when we were exhausted. Even when she was falling asleep in the lounge and still joking about my handwriting.

I tape the tube in place.

"Mask?" I ask the nurse.

She hands it over. I lower the anesthesia over the boy's mouth.

Watch as his breathing evens, then slows.

I envy him.

I envy the silence that comes with unconsciousness.

I wish I could turn the world off the way this machine does.

I wish I could sleep without seeing her face in the water.

Without hearing Han Wool say my name with so much love it hurt.

I wish-

I wish I'd never let him go.

But I had to.

Didn't I?

Didn't I?

I stabilize the child. Set the machines.

And then I turn around and walk away before anyone sees the tears forming again.

I don't want their sympathy.

I don't want their comfort.

I want-

I want to not exist in this version of the world where everyone I love dies because of me.
__________

The surgery is over.

The hallway is quiet.

Too quiet.

The kind of quiet that makes your thoughts louder. The kind of quiet that lets the guilt crawl up your spine like it's got claws. I peel off the gloves. Wash my hands for the fifth time today. My skin is red. Peeling. Raw.

But the blood never comes off.

Not really.

There are no more cases.

And that is the worst part.

I sit in the break room. On the edge of the couch. Still in my scrubs. Mask half-off. Hair undone.

I am not tired.

I am terrified.

Because the moment I stop moving, my mind starts spinning.

And I can't stop it.

I can't stop the thoughts.

Can't stop the memory of her-