When the Clock Strikes|Pi Han Ul x Reader|

(S02) Chapter 39

The light above me is too bright.

Too white.

Too clean.

It burns through my eyelids and slices through the fog in my mind and I tell myself to focus-focus on the numbers, on the beeping, on the breaths that don't belong to me.

"BP is dropping," someone says.

"Another 10 of epinephrine," I say.

My voice sounds like it's underwater. Muffled and far away. Like I've been living inside a fish tank. Watching them live. Watching them not die.

I stare at the monitor. I stare at the heartbeats. At the curve of life looping over and over and over and-

She laughed yesterday.

God.

She was just-

Don't. Don't.

"Vitals are stabilizing," a nurse says.

I nod.

I don't feel anything.

I press down on the syringe. Adjust the ventilator. Make sure the patient won't feel pain.

Not like I do.

Not like this.

Someone taps my shoulder when it's over. I peel off my gloves. Scrub my hands. Change into fresh ones for the next patient.

And I keep going.

Because if I stop-

If I stop I'll have to feel it all.

The locker room is quiet when I change.

The silence has teeth.

I pull my mask off and see my own face in the mirror. My eyes are swollen. Red. My skin pale, even under the fluorescent lighting. I look like someone who's seen a ghost.

I look like someone who became one.

Ha-Ya.

I left a piece of me in that room with her.

And I didn't even get to say goodbye.

"Ye Na," someone calls. I don't turn.

"Ye Na, you had leave," Dr. Kim says again. "You should be home."

"I want to take over the next case," I say.

He frowns. "You've already done three. That's enough."

"I'm fine."

"You're not."

"I said I'm fine." Louder this time. Sharp enough to cut.

Dr. Kim hesitates. He looks at me like I'm bleeding and I don't know it. "No one expects you to keep working after what happened. You should grieve. Rest."

I flinch.

I don't know how to rest.

I don't know how to grieve.

I only know how to blame myself.

I stare at him. "Please. Just let me do it."

His mouth tightens. "Alright."

He leaves.

But I know what they're all thinking. I can feel it when I pass by. The looks. The whispers. They think I'm throwing myself into work to avoid pain.

They're right.

They just don't know why.

I killed her.