Phansexual (phanfiction)

Fifteen

"I'll have an iced tea." Phil said politely.

"And, um, what's the champagne situation here?..." Dan joked.
No one laughed.

After a bit of an awkward silence -- Dan waiting for the server to get it, the server definitely not getting it -- Dan spoke up again, "You know what, I'll just have the same as him," He said, gesturing to Phil and smiling awkwardly.

The girl nodded and walked off toward the kitchen. Hopefully she wasn't plotting to spit in Dan's drink.

"Tough crowd," Dan chuckled once she was out of ear-shot. "I hope she doesn't put anything in my food!"

"Like what?" Phil giggled.

"I don't know.... Saliva?... Poison?""

Phil rolled his eyes. "Daniel James, I highly doubt that that teenage girl would poison you just for making a bad joke."

"I don't know, Phil," Dan said, pretending to be really nervous. He lowered his voice like he didn't want anyone else to hear what he was going to say next....
"Honestly, teenagers scare the living shit outta me."

Phil suppressed a laugh and lowered his voice to match Dan's, "And I've heard they could care less as long as someone will bleed."

"So darken your clothes,"

"Or strike a violent pose,"

"Maybe they leave you alone,"

"But not m--"

"Um... Excuse me? I have your chips and ice tea here..." The server interrupted, setting two glasses and a basket of chips down in the middle of the table and giving Dan and Phil a strange look. "Do you know what you want to eat?"

Dan shot Phil a slightly panicked look. They had completely forgotten to look at their menus. My Chemical Romance is distracting!

I got this. Phil's eyes seemed to say.
"We'll have two burgers. One with cheese. One without." He smiled proudly to himself. When in doubt in a shady fast food restaurant, always order "The Burger."

The server wrote down their orders in a little notepad and strutted away again.

"Attitude!" Dan chirped in a song-songy voice.

Phil laughed and grabbed a few chips. He examined them carefully, deciding whether or not they were safe. Eventually, he went for it and bit into one.

"Mmm! These are actually pretty good! Try!" He said and guided a chip into Dan's open mouth.

"Those are good!" Dan agreed, grabbing a few more from the basket.

"Yeah. I wonder why that girl was so snarky about them," Phil took a sip from his tea but almost immediately spit it back out when Dan said, "Maybe she's got some chips up her ass,"

"Dan!" Phil gasped. He didn't know if he should be amused or horrified. Okay... it was pretty funny....
"That's horrible!" Phil laughed.

Not much later, she returned with their burgers and Dan wouldn't stop staring at her.

"Dan!" Phil hissed across the table once she had gone, "That poor girl does not have chips up her butt! Stop staring at her!"

"I'm just concerned!" Dan defended. "Anal blockage is a very serious problem!"

"Great. Just throw the word 'anal' out into the air right before I'm about to eat!"

Dan smirked. "Anal." He repeated.

"Stop it!"

"Anal. Anal. Anal."

"Dan shut up! People are staring!" Sure enough, an old couple in the booth next to them was definitely plotting to kill Dan, by the looks on their faces.

"Anal! Anal! Anal!" Dan continued, but louder.

"Dan!" Phil hissed again when he spotted what looked like the manager coming their way.

"Is there something going on here, boys?" The manager asked, furrowing his bushy eyebrows.

"Uh... Uh... Um...." Dan stuttered, his mouth beginning to feel very dry.

"I'm going to have to ask you two to leave." He said, pointing at the door. "Please pay your check, you can take your burgers to go, and leave."

Dan gulped and nodded. "Er, uh, sure. We'll go." He grabbed his burger and stood up awkwardly while Phil fished some pounds out of his wallet.

"I'm so, so, sorry for my husband," He apologized (although he was obviously trying to hold back laughter) and paid the man.

And with that, they made their walk of shame out of Corneal Plump's Slop Troff.

And that, kids, is the story of how Dan and Phil got kicked out of a shady fast food restaurant.

(A/N) How was that? Good, I hope? Did anyone catch the Parks and Recreation reference in there? :)
Don't be a stranger!
-Mel