Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Christian's Kaleidoscopic Blitzkrieg

One Night Alone [Journal Entry]

I played Red in my ears as I laid my head down to bed.... When the music began to darken my emotions, and I began to get a migraine, I turned it off and covered my eyes with my blanket... When I slept I had a dream... No, a nightmare... No, they were memory flashbacks.

Memories of friends in my darker days... How I failed them miserably... And how I wasn't good enough of a friend... I woke up in tears. One more night alone, depressed, hungry, afraid. The nightmares I could no longer remember triggered shame and self-hatred.

Right after the Holy Spirit quickened my heart at church. Right after I learned of the identity of all His elect. Right after I lended an ear to His call... Why does always happen? Discouragement overwhelms me when I suddenly realize...

God! Of course... God! I went and turned towards my friends for help! I should have gone straight to God! I have this one night alone...with God! He is here, with me... He quickened my heart to see that I am created with a purpose. A purpose that I have long forgotten. I am Arianna. I am a Child of the Most High. I am an elect, pilgrim in this world. I am forgiven.

Where sins and mistakes abound, His grace abounds more. I am forgiven! And for that reason I release these burdens. I release these friends. I release these memories. And I forgive them. I forgive myself. Lord, soften my heart to forgive myself and the ones who have wronged and hurt me. Give me the strength to let it all go to You... Amen.