I wonder sometimes how from a person with nothing something so beautiful could come out.
I can feel my stomach shake. It's telling me that I'm at a slant. I'm not anymore and it's lying even I know that.
My head is warm to the touch and the walls are cold and bumpy.
I trace the photos next to my bed. Lingering on one face before going to the next.
Bury my face in my pillow and imagine your laying next to me and my arm is resting on your chest.
I'm afraid to leave my room without a light.
I still see people in the dark when my glasses are off they make me scared to turn my back.
Right now I'm nothing more than a really poetic body.
I am my own muse just because of how aware of my surroundings I am.
I can feel my own ribs against my blood moving throughout my body.
Part of me is afraid to sleep.
The other one isn't tired at all.
"Sometimes I feel like a cloud. It travels so far and many people see it and watch it change shapes but that cloud never knows these people and just thinks of itself as just another mist cloud."
I thought of that while laying down earlier.
When I'm in a mental state like this is when questionable things happen. That's really why I'm writing.
Because if I stop then I will want nothing more than to make myself feel something other than nothing.
People are sleeping. Tucked away in there beds sleeping like little sick victorian children and I'm over here trying to make it to my 15th day of being sober.
I've found that one thing that makes me feel comfortable In a state like this is textures.
Like on pajama pants there is a fuzz and if you rub it, it changes from a lighter version to a darker one.
I do that a lot actually.
When I'm in class sometimes I continuously rub my upper legs until when I stop it makes me feel tingly and I have an ich to do it again.
I really like my room.
It's so colorful and overwhelming that it makes me feel safe.
Like a bunch of loud things happening at once that can't get you and are muffled. Sounds like a dream.
I'm so tired. But I'm still scared to sleep.
I'm afraid of who will be in my room when I close my eyes.
I have to be up in 5 hours I have to sleep.
I have to be good for her.
