The next morning I didn't feel like getting up.
I didn't want to be around everyone I had talked to the night before, face the people I hadn't told yet. I was still woosy.
I was so incredibly out of it.
I tried really really hard not to be negative but the moment I wasn't talking to anyone my face completely dropped and I was just there.
I was so incredibly tired and gave absolutely no shits about anyone other than Jos really.
Liyah and Ari in a close 2nd
But I was filled with so much emotion that I didn't know how to process, so I just didn't.
I also fought so many urges to self harm again. I did repeatedly hit the wall with my hand that I cut until my hand was red, out of frustration.
I also realized today that because the blade I used was a double blade, technically I have 4 cuts on my hand. I call the lighter ones of the doubles the phantom cut, because I didn't feel or notice them.
Today during recess was probably the worse it got today.
I was hyperventilating so much. It was laughing at first then it turned to hyperventilating, then to almost throwing up.
I was so tired and all I wanted to do was lay down and not have to deal with stupid ass people.
I was standing there and literally said in my head, I can pick at least one thing about everyone in this circle that's bothering me.
My only exception was Ray obviously. (He's just special.)
I really wish I didn't have to go through a whole week of school while trying to process this
like
geez past Mia, really looking out for your future self.
No, I'm just so tired but I really can't and don't want to nap in this bed.
I want to be by people. My favorite people honestly.
I feel most safe sleeping when I know people are awake to protect me.
It's why I used to hate sleeping alone. I had a fear of sleeping.
I want Ray. I want to sleep. I want and want and want and want but I won't get any of it.
I did really good with resisting the constant urges to cut again I've been clean for 2 days as of these last 10 minutes (10:50pm)
I don't want to be clean but I am.
I'm overwhelmed, like really overwhelmed.
I got depressed, cut for the first time and quit in the same day.
Technically I kept my promise of 1 day clean so I have nothing holding me back from it again.
But I know that its bad
I just can't help but want to be free for a little bit, to feel pain over whatever this numbness is.
I don't feel loved, I don't feel good, I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad. I don't know what I feel.
I know I am loved but it's not hitting my heart. Or when it does it last for a second.
I hate that but I'm slowly allowing it again which is good.
I really just want Ray and sleep at this moment.
You can really tell my favorite things.
But I'm being genuine.
That's how I heal and process things. Ray and sleep.
Liyah asked me on call what helped me get better before when I was originally depressed.
I laughed and said Ray actually.
It's really funny how much I defended Ray today.
I stood by her actions and explained why she did what she did and how it was good for me.
How they are not me. Making Rays actions justifiable.
Just because you think I needed that then doesn't mean I actually did.
I talk to ray more about that tomorrow probably. I'm excited to see her. I've just got attachment issues now, but I mean that hasn't really changed.
