After Never

Chapter 42

Tessa

I had zero intention of breaking up with him tonight. Not one ounce of me thought that's where things would go. I was truly so happy he surprised me...beyond happy.

But something about our conversations tonight had my thoughts go somewhere else. And that was that he can be so carefree and come and go whenever he wants. And I don't have that luxury. Especially if something were to happen, and let's just say I got pregnant. Which don't get me wrong I loved hearing that he wants that with me. But I don't love that he thinks we could do it, because I know we couldn't. We can't even do us. Let alone another human.

And that was hard to admit to myself, especially after what I went through these past four days. It is enough to never want to go through it again. As selfish as that sounds. What I keep struggling with and what a part of me feels is being with me is holding him back. And I know he's the right person for me. But I also know that it's the wrong time. So sitting in his room when he went to get water had me thinking the same thought over and over...because he is the right person for me at the wrong time.

What I know is...this isn't going to work...it's not for me. Thinking about my own mental health tells me that I can't be with him right now.

I sit in his room alone with my thoughts for a while, not wanting to leave after he walked out. Because then it makes it real. It makes us really over. And all I can do is uncontrollably sob into his pillow.

As I'm laying on his bed. I feel my phone vibrate or what I thought was my phone. I flip the blanket over and realize it's Hardin's phone...I guess he forgot it.

Zed's name is scrolling over the screen.

I decide to pick up.

Me: hello
(I answer trying to not sound like I was just crying my eyes out)

Zed: Tess?

Me: Hardin forgot his phone, so I answered.

Zed: were you surprised?

Me: mhm
(I reply trying not to elude to the fact that I ruined the entire night, and our entire relationship)

Zed: you okay?

Me: I'm good.
(I lie)

Zed: could you let Hardin know I called?

Me: yes of course

As I'm about to hang up Hardin walks back in...

He looks at me and sees I'm on his phone. And gives me a look as in 'what the fuck?'

"Zed was calling so I answered." I say out loud putting his phone out so he can grab it.

He takes it from me and hangs up, then proceeds to put his phone in his pocket.

I'm expecting him to walk back out but he doesn't instead he slides down the edge of his bed and has a seat with his back pressed up against his bed.

"Why are you really doing this?" He asks me.

"I told you already." I reply.

"No you didn't you told me it wasn't me, it was you. Which is bullshit, that's fucking bullshit Tess. Why are you walking away from us?, from me?.." He questions with obvious sadness.

"I'm scared Hardin. I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared once you realize how great your life can be you will forget about me." I finally say telling him how I truly feel, and admitting it to myself at the same time.

I come to the side of him so that now I'm sitting next to him on the floor against his bed.

"My life is only going to be great if I have you Tess. I could care less about any of it, it all means nothing if I don't have you." He tells me.