After Never

Chapter 25

Hardin-Present

I didn't think I could stay clean yesterday. I didn't think I had that in me.

And maybe everything that happened yesterday needed to happen. Maybe I needed that moment to define me. To know that I can do this. I can beat this stupid fucking addiction that is intended to ruin me.

And Tessa's right I can't run from it. Everything will follow me. And as much as I hate to admit it...she's right about the support I have here, and I know damn well that is something I need.

Waking up this morning I feel like I got something back that was missing. Not including Tessa...which is also amazing. Because I didn't think I would ever get us back either.

I got my control back. I feel more in control of my life. It's a weird feeling when something else has control over you and that's what addiction does.

And it's a good fucking feeling to have it back. And I hope to god it stays.

Because not only do i have that. I woke up next to Tessa. Next to Tessa who agreed to be in my corner. Which I really, really need.

I hate feeling like everyone is against me. And I get I haven't made it easy. But I need her to be there for me.

And I need to let her.

I think I really had to go through it yesterday to realize how lucky I am (even though I always hate when everyone says that). And as much as I hate to admit it. Tessa was right having someone like Vance who really does care about me, wants to see me succeed and do whatever it takes to make that happen...is something I'm grateful for. I won't tell him that...I have too much pride for that....and plus I still need to be pissed at him...

At least for a while....Actually it's likely something I'll be angry about for a long time. And something I have to address with my mum too...who is really the last person I want to talk to, and to be honest I probably won't for a long time.

I also do kind of feel bad for whoever Tessa's boyfriend was...because I guess that's no longer...and I guess that's the second time I've done that to her...

And I'm not here trying to ruin things for her just to screw her over. I really want us to work this time. Not that I didn't before. But I guess I realized how much I need her.

Arriving back at Vance's with my bags in hand...I feel this mixture of good and bad. Good because I know I'm making the right decision being back. But bad knowing I know how Kim truly feels now. And with the baby coming soon, I'm sure she would love nothing more than to see me gone. Luckily for her, I'll be heading back to school in the middle of August. So she has another month and a half to deal with me.

Which also means Tessa and I have a month and a half to figure us out. And figure out the whole long distance thing. And I have to figure out how to be back at school. Back where the accident happened...back where I overdosed...

But I don't want to think about that now.

When I walk inside I set my bags down, and walk into the kitchen. Vance is standing leaning up against the counter, so he stops what hes doing and sets his coffee down. He comes over and hugs me. My thought is going to the fact that it's noon...and he's still having coffee...must have been a long night I think to myself.

"Welcome back" He says to me.

"Mhm." I simply reply.

Kim comes over and gives me a hug too which doesn't feel genuine but it's fine. No need to tip toe around it now that I know how she feels.

Smith comes over and gives me a high five. "I thought you were leaving?" He questions.

"Can't get rid of me yet." I reply in a joking tone.