After Never

Chapter 23

Hardin-Present

Today has been a fucking battle. And not an easy one.

The only thing I proved to myself was that
I have some self control...I guess...maybe...I don't fucking know.

I'll be honest the only thing that stopped me...was that I was genuinely concerned that I hurt Vance, and I knew I wanted to go back and make sure he was okay.

Because regardless of what I found out today. I'm not completely inhumane. I know how hard I pushed him. I know how hard his head hit. And I feel like shit about it.

Which is why I told the nurse what happened. I just wanted them to know what really happened so he could be properly treated. Which I guess either way his injury is his injury...

When they asked me to leave...I understood why. And I was fine with it. And I was going to wait downstairs in the lobby. But when I got off the elevator...and knew Tessa would likely be following behind any second.

I decided to leave.

I knew Vance was okay. I knew he was being taken care of.

My conscious was cleared.

So here I am walking...again. Trying to figure out what's next....because truly I don't know. My life was already pretty messed up...and to add finding out I'm a bastard son on top of everything. On top of all the other shit...it's enough. It's enough to push me right back.

And the only thing surprising about today is that it didn't.

So maybe...just maybe I'm stronger than I think. Do I know that it's all I want to do right now...yes. What I also know is if I do...I think everyone will stop saying how lucky I am...because truthfully I think I'm at the point where my luck has to have run out.

Because no one...I mean no one is that lucky.

Especially me...who doesn't deserve it.

Which is why right now. I just want to be alone. I want to walk. Be by no one. Just me...and the smoky...firework lit sky.

Which is actually making this walk much more enjoyable...and distracting.

I still don't have my phone either...so it's not like anyone can call and disrupt this weird calm I'm experiencing.

Because that's really the only way I can describe it.

Calm.

Is it because I always had a feeling?...Is it because I always deep down knew?....

Is finally having the confirmation bringing me the peace I never had before?...

I don't know.

What I do know is regardless of this calm. I was still lied to.

Lied to by everybody. Including Tessa. I actually wasn't sure if she knew...but no...she did. Because of course she did.

I'm the only idiot who was left out of the loop. The one person who should know...didn't fucking know.

If I had my phone I would probably be calling my mum, and cuss her out. And I likely will still do that.

Does Ken know?...

Is that why he's always treated me the way he has?...

It's as if all these pieces of my life are being connected right now.

And one thing that's for certain is...Vance knew about what happened to my mum and I. And he didn't do anything. He didn't even come around after it happened.