After Never

Chapter 1

Hardin

What if I stayed?

Walking into the apartment after the hearing...learning I get to stay I'm feeling this overwhelming sense that this is not what was supposed to happen.

I'm not kicked out. I should be kicked out...

I should be happy that I'm not. I should feel relieved that I'm not. But instead I'm sitting here mad. I'm fucking mad that I am being told that I get to stay.

Because that means I have to face all the shit I did. Face the person that I have been...which is a huge piece of shit.

Face the fact that I don't deserve Tessa. She deserves better. So much fucking better. and I can't be that. I just cant. As much as I want to. I don't have it in me. I've accepted that. Now I can only hope she does. Let this be easy for both of us. Understand that she's this incredible human...and I'm the farthest thing from that.

I look down at my phone to several missed calls and texts....From Tessa, Landon, my mum, Ken...

I ignore everybody and turn my phone off. The last thing I'm in the mood for is talking.

What am I supposed to say...?

I have nothing to say. Other than I really wish I had been kicked out and I know that isn't what anyone wants to hear. They will likely tell me I got lucky and that I should use it as a learning moment or some bullshit like that.

And I should. If I was a normal person I probably would...

But I'm not.

I need to clear my head. I need to get out of this bad fucking place that I'm in.

But every idea I have right now involves fucking things up even more than they already are...

Tessa is leaving to go to Seattle anyways....so what does it fucking matter.

I'm not doing long distance. So this....us...we are pretty much over anyways. So fuck it.

I look in the cabinet and see a single bottle of Jack. I then open the cabinet where the glasses are and go to grab one...and decide again...fuck it.

Bottle it is.

I take the bottle over to the couch and take a seat. Taking the biggest swig I can feeling every ounce of burn that comes with it...and enjoying the pain.

Wanting....needing more.

So I take another. And another. And another.

I look over at the record player. And decide maybe a tune will cheer me up. Something calm and persuasive to promote rational thought.

I choose my Fleetwood Mac record. Hoping it awakens the soul I know has ceased to exist lately. Or maybe is as dead and gone as it's ever been. Who knows...

All I know is the alcohol is numbing in the best way possible right now....and the music is as loud as it goes and in the weirdest way possible i feel at peace.

I feel unbothered. I feel calm.

It's quickly interrupted when I hear the door open. And then quickly followed by a slam.

"Why aren't you answering me or anybody's calls!" Tessa yells loud enough to be heard over the already very loud music.

Before I can answer, she's yelling again... "And you're fucking drinking!"

She grabs the needle stopping the music.

"I was listening to that." I say to her.

"What is wrong with you?" She asks me.

"Nothing is wrong with me, what's wrong with you?" I ask her in the same tone.

"What's wrong with me?!" She says easing her voice. "What's wrong with me is that you...you think it's okay to ignore everybody. I had to find out from Landon and Ken that you are able to stay at school...that you aren't kicked out...all while you are sitting here...getting drunk." She says in an angry tone.

"Okay...and?" I question...not knowing what the hell she wants from me.

"And...you are a fucking asshole Hardin. You keep doing all this shit. All these horrible things and then act like a complete jerk and think I should just stick around and take it." She replies.

"Well that's just it Tess you aren't sticking around...you're fucking leaving remember?" I reply.

"So that's why you are acting like this?...you can't just be a supportive, normal boyfriend who is happy for me?" She asks...which causes me to laugh. Which she clearly doesn't like.

"I support you, do whatever the fuck you want. And I'm happy for you. It's great...fucking fantastic Tess. All I'm telling you is...I'm not doing long distance. And I'm not stopping you from going and don't plan on following you...so take that information as you will." I tell her and immediately hate how I delivered that because it was mean really....really fucking mean. But honest. I don't want to do long distance. I know what it will do to me, and I know I can't...I just fucking can't.

And here it goes....the tears just start coming and not just tears. She is full blown fucking sobbing.

The second I go to get up to comfort her she moves away from me and runs into the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

Fuck.

What the fuck am I doing? I think to myself.

I know I'm hurting her. I'm hurting myself. This fucking hurts.

That numb unbothered calm is no longer in existence instead I'm left with what feels like a literal dagger in my chest that I can't pull out.

Instead I feel like I'm twisting it, lodging it in deeper, feeling each and every ounce of pain through every twist, every turn and every push that it gets a little deeper.

My breath has been taken, I feel like I can't breathe. The pain is suffocating. I'm suffocating.

Why does it have to be like this? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I let myself be happy? Why can't we be happy together?