The eternality in our ephemerality

Chapter 3. Emotions are physical, and quite physically I'd want to punch them.

The spasms continued.

I knew I was dramatic, very much so, but I never seemed to express it. Like a roaring, flaming volcano of anger that gushed out of my mouth I was unable to keep it in.

I no longer had the courageous ability to see what was truly there.

My eyes were lying. My mind is collapsing. My heart elapsing.

Beats drummed, but the source was no longer within me, the beats cracked on wooden plates and their distressed vibrations caused more bleeding to be spared. A transparent bleeding that kept being wiped away by ice cold fingerlike shapes, who in their tantrum, hid their sorrows on a grey hoodie.

Each time the beats fastened, quickened, a blinding sphere increased in vivacity and strengthened my flaccid chords I had for legs; for it appeared my whole body, and existence, was now maintained by a thread of surprise the sea had faded away and all that is left were traces of footprints that once decorated that plain sand. It appears my entire body is now as fragile as the air who now exits my lungs: invisible.

How could my life be sustained by mere breaths? Is the blood gushing through my arteries unreal? Are these alien droplets collapsing from my cheeks a mere illusion?

Then if it is, if all I thought was mine to give away, was it nothing at all?

Was my reality unreal?

Was everything i thought i had lived with him, with my friends, with my family, fake? Was I fake? The pounding begun again. It ached, it stung. The truth, that i absolutley knew nothing of those i loved, was boiling every inch of my body.....the one certain thing I thought I possessed continued to slip away from my hands and leaving me into despair. 

And like the good coward i am, i couldn't bare to face that reality. 

"Mom. I'm going out for a run, I love you!" A foreigner, in my words, spoke as their voice strings trembled into instability; retaining the drowning into one body where it could no longer be silenced. My heart's brittling glided like shattered glass crumpling on a unnoticed floor, translucent glass left carelessly to be stepped over; fearfully, the pale blurred figures frantically gripped my chest; ignorantly believing the scorching asphyxiation would end.

I had never even thought of what i was about to do. I was never even close of doing it. But now, this moment, where if i saw a reflection of myself i would have surely thrown up, i was giving up. On everything and nothing at the same time. 

It might even take years for my family, or even myself, to forgive the massive stupidity i am aware i'm doing. But  forgivement, as sanity is, would be a distant concept I would never be granted the ability once again to possess.  Because when a world you thought your own is tared away and faded into dust, what more affliction and cowardice could a soul express than the ability to neglect its source and ran away?