The Thoughts Of Amber

Chapter Nineteen: Happiness Over Sadness

I never was happy with my family or the people I have called my family because choosing sadness over happiness was a regular thing I did.

I have always been the "debby downer," the one everyone picked on in the family, and the one that always felt like a third wheel to most friend groups. I was always alone in my head, which is also why I became a very deep thinker. If you ask me if I am happy now, I probably will say yes to you because I don't want anyone to see me broken.

I am broken, deeply damaged.

My life was always filled with lies, and there was no truth to certain things.

My mother liked to cover up a lot, and I don't blame her for that, but I wish I were told the truth a lot more. She sometimes still lies to herself to make herself feel better because sometimes people are in denial about their own self, but of course, I sometimes do the same thing. Mother like daughter. 

I always get asked, "Are you happy?" what type of question is that anyway? I never understood that type of question, like what does happiness purely look like? BECAUSE ALL I HAVE EVER SEEN WAS SADNESS.

I know I am a walking depressed zombie, but I know I can put on a show for everyone, even if it means saying, "Yes, I am happy."

I have never been truly happy in my relationships as well because most of them fucking sucked; when you get strangled a lot, you would think the same thing I do. I don't want a happy ending; I just want a realistic ending to life without the dramatics. I sometimes even sit in my own apartment and think, why am I still alive? Am I really god's favorite? Or am I just lucky?

Now, that is another thing: do you think people just get lucky, or do you think there are miracles?

Happiness can come from the most minor things, but sadness can also come the same way. I will always choose sadness because fuck the fake happiness shit that people try to bring to your table, but always know I don't mind helping people and letting them eat at my table; I just won't fix them a plate. 

Happiness over sadness will always be daunting to me and maybe to others, but you have to ask yourself, why do you want to fake happiness? Always be real with yourself; that is all you can do in this world.